#1
Yeah this is the first song ive ever written so im expecting criticism more than compliments but id be glad for both.

"Do what you like
i left this place long ago
Your constant taunts left me so
My stare shall pierce your skin
Now i know who you are

From this mask i placed on myself
The vision is distorted
I thought you were real
But it turns out you were nothing more than an autumn leaf
Floating throughout my life

I'm lost in my mind
I can't come back anymore
Even if i tried
All you are is a thorn in my side"
[The Fear Of Hell Is Hell Itself]

[Most Of Us Hover Dubiously Somewhere Between Mute Rebellion And Prattling Submission]
#2
it is good for a first song, but, to me, it sounds like you are trying to be almost TOO poetic and "deep." If that is what you were going for, good job. I enjoyed it.
Quote by the irish rover
i dont think i like you very much at all 1/10
#3
ooo....I just noted a mistake of my own :S..My rhyming scheme is unnatural so it tends to make it..yeah just saying that i know that much.
BTW: Thanks for the reply
[The Fear Of Hell Is Hell Itself]

[Most Of Us Hover Dubiously Somewhere Between Mute Rebellion And Prattling Submission]
#4
For a first song, this is good.

If you didnt tell me that, this is pretentious "deep" if you know what I mean, i've had it before dont worry, it's a stage that you will grow out of.
#5
silver bullet
if i may add my two cents, firstly respect for actually putting yourself out there, that in itself is a big step, i'm not sure if it can be called pretentious, trust me ive seen stuff that is pretentious, as far as i can see you are trying to find your songwriting feet, what i did notice was the structure, me being a stickler for tradition in song writing noticed that a lot of it didnt rhyme, maybe thats what you were aiming for and maybe with music this would work, i also noticed that you have 5 line verses, again with music this may work, but usually song structure is :-
Verse1---4 lines
Verse2---4 lines
Chorus--4 Lines
Verse3---4 lines
Verse4---4 lines
Bridge---4 lines
and maybe a chorus at the end, of course this is simply the commercial way of writing, anyway i enjoyed your work and i really hope that you will develop as a songwriter, it is , i have to say nice to see lyrics with intelligence, and yours do have that, so please keep going, trust me you will find your own style and you will find it easier the more you write, whatever you do remember, opinions are just opinions, good or bad it doesnt mattter, the only one that counts is yours, be well my friend
Michael
#6
Thanks much Michael, thats the sort of criticism that im after, stuff that helps me out.
Thanks again
[The Fear Of Hell Is Hell Itself]

[Most Of Us Hover Dubiously Somewhere Between Mute Rebellion And Prattling Submission]
#7
Please read the forum FAQs regarding your thread title. Please delete this and post it with your song title as the name of the thread only.
#8
silverbullet
your more than welcome, i hope to critique more of your stuff as you progress
Michael