#1
Burning Ambitions (Comment plz )


Spreading like a cancer
Through my blood in veins
Metallic and cold, the dagger it pains
Clenching tight, gripping at nothing
Grasping the air looking for something
But all I can find

Fire in the mind
Burning in my body
It is furious within my soul
The daggers weep for no one
They?re killing one and all
They?re killing one and all
Find safe harbor find it any way
Find safe harbor somewhere far away

Bottled up like nitrous
Ready to explode
Torching screams through the silence
My ears only further corrode
Thrashing like a storm
Never going to cease
Fools try to brave the whether
They ignorantly seek peace
But they will come to find

Close your foggy eyes
The demons at your wretched door
Don?t try looking to the skies
You?ll be buried under the floors
Your pulse will slow
Dim goes the glow
You?ve failed because of your rage
It?s put you in this cage
Look at you now, so angered inside
Try to run try to hide
But once again the only thing u find
#2
Once again it has a mere simplicity. I think it is kind of dry. Nothing catches the reader and encourages him to keep reading. Nothing humorus or worthy of contemplation exists.


plz crit
Naffin - The Choice
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#3
Spreading like a cancer

Vivid image, slightly metal feel to it. It's a bit of a cliche, which isn't necessarily a problem.

Through my blood in veins

Rather clumsily worded - "Blood in veins"

Metallic and cold, the dagger it pains

"Pains" and "Veins" seems a very forced rhyme

Clenching tight, gripping at nothing
Grasping the air looking for something
But all I can find

The difficulty here is that I don't have a clue what you're writing about. The imagery is all well and good, but you must focus it on a purpose. Don't write about daggers and blood just because it's what others mention.

Fire in the mind
Burning in my body
It is furious within my soul
The daggers weep for no one

Daggers? Weeping?

They?re killing one and all
They?re killing one and all
Find safe harbor find it any way
Find safe harbor somewhere far away

I still am no wiser, I think you're writing about depression
Bottled up like nitrous

'Nitrous' is gramatically incorrect, it would have to be "Nitrous (something)"

Ready to explode
Torching screams through the silence

"Torching" is used interestingly here.

My ears only further corrode

Clumsy

Thrashing like a storm
Never going to cease
Fools try to brave the whether
They ignorantly seek peace
But they will come to find

Last line seems unfinished

Close your foggy eyes
The demons at your wretched door
Don?t try looking to the skies
You?ll be buried under the floors
Your pulse will slow
Dim goes the glow
You?ve failed because of your rage
It?s put you in this cage
Look at you now, so angered inside
Try to run try to hide
But once again the only thing u find

Don't use 'u'.

I think what you've got here is an attempt at what others would consider a 'good' song - as in, what you think should be in a song - dark imagery, eerie theme, depression and negativity etc. What you should do, to breathe some life into your work, is write a song that completely eschews any writing you read or like to read. Write something totally bizzare, be different, creative. When you discover your strengths as a writer, you will then attain what you aim for: to write a song that punches you in the gut and puts a lump in your throat.
Good luck, not a bad start, you've got potential.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
well i just love it. i like ur use of metaphores. i wish i had more of that in my songs. its definitely good! love it.
and your slow shaking fingertips show that you're scared like me so. lets pretend we're alone
#5
broken_bottles thank you, this is what i wanted and re-reading this your comments are more apparent this is not one of my better songs but all of this crit is just what i wanted thanks alot
XChyrklunDX thnx for the complements, and i've read some of your stuff and it's great already
#6
I thought your imagery was pretty good. Nothing prophetical but good imagery IMO.

I think that second verse, what I think is your chorus, needs a bit of work. It isn't very catchy, and I think safe harbor is kind of awkward. I know what you were trying to get at, but theres probably better words or phrases that could be substituted for safe harbor. Good luck.
#7
No problem, getting started in writing is very difficult.
My first pieces make me cringe.
You're on the right track by being modest, open and honest.
Good luck to ya.
"You can never quarantine the past."