#1
okay, this is just another song idea I got.. the song is based on... well I was just thinking of people, who, don't really have a home, or don't feel like they have one.. and they just travel around from place to place.. pretty obvious I guess in the title, or when you just read it. When I was singing it I was doing it in like, if you know the song "The Unforgiven" by Metallica, like that only more fast paced, metal .. then again I think this could work as an acoustic song also.. lemme know what you think.. I haven't revised it yet or anything.. this is just the draft. thanks!


Intro/chorus:
Drifting, shifting in the shadows,
surviving, striving, just to escape it all.

Verse:
Clashing with the past, untriumphant to outlast,
Drifter can't forget, marred with unpayed debts,

Down a winding road, a foggy trail forbodes,
farther down a path of self destruction

Chorus:
Drifting, shifting in the shadows,
surviving, striving, just to escape it all.
Drifter can't get away, future he cant sway
lowly, dreary, drifter..
he is destinies prey.

verse 2:

From town to town, drifter bears frown,
sun shine, sun shone, shown he without a home.

On the run, livin life by the gun,
how quickly a mans world can be undone

Chorus:
Drifting, shifting in the shadows,
surviving, striving, just to escape it all.
Drifter can't get away, future he cant sway
lowly, dreary, drifter..
he is destinies(or fates fateful-I cant decide) prey.

repeat intro, only outro now:
Drifting, shifting in the shadows,
surviving, striving, just to escape it all.
Last edited by LemonMonkey5 at Jul 6, 2006,
#2
1) You're main construction in the chorus (that's the bit with the similarly sounding words) runs into the issue that playing with such primal sound devices will: it sounds almost childish. Perhaps if you were to make a bit of distance between these sound devices, it would alleviate the problem, but the proximity adds to a sense of nursery rhyme, which, certainly, doesn't relate to the theme. Also, on flow, the "it all" after "escape" is unnecessary, as it clogs up an otherwise smooth end of a line. And, finally, the triple rhyme ("away", "sway", and "prey"), again, adds a child-like quality. To use so many sound devices near to each other will, nine times out of ten, produce this quality; so, if you're mocking children's themes, remember that - but, here, you're not... And the internal rhymes in the verses don't do much for me. They seem to control the song and twist it away from something I could believe and empathize with (which, ironically, I can).

2) Uhh... So far as imagery and tone are concerned, it sounds like you've put "Unforgiven" and "Turn the Page" (the Metallica cover) in a blender. Get your hands dirtier! Really apply your own voice and your own, apparently, romanticized image of a drifter into the piece. Get the gritty smell and the grime-covered grimace... And the flithy leather jacket... (???)

3) Stop supposing what a drifter is, and apply your own experience as to drifting. Layer the character and lifestyle with a gloss of both realistic psychology and a little mythology (after all, mythos is just reality blown out of proportion). Take examples when you've been something of a drifter, the kinds of emotions, and work from there (not from outside, distanced sources). Without this, as the piece currently is, there's a distance between the speaker, the drifter, and the author that is very distracting.
#3
well holy **** your the best damn critiquer on this iste aren't you(I'm not being sarcastic)..
geez man, thanks, I know what you mean with the almost nursery sounding rhymes or whatever... thats why God invented editing

and the Metallica referance was just to try and give perspective on sort of the style not meaning in the style of that song... just a reference to what it could sound like.. idk if your sure what I'm getting at since I'm babbling..

but thanks.
#4
Oh, I totally understand the Metallica thing - the problem is that much of the work actually comes off as sounding like something James would write, whereas I'm much more interesting in how you write.
#5
This critique will probably fall short of paraboetheo's but, here goes.

I like the feel of this song. I've always wanted to make an old western song about some wandering cowboy or something with some nice acoustic slide guitar work. Thatd be rockin . But it always turns out pretty corny. I think you did a pretty job of getting the idea across without being too cookiecutter about it. Theres a lot of good lines, and I like some of your word play. The only advice I could give is make it sound a little smoother...it might sound good in your head but you can't relate that to me over the internet if you like it keep it, but it sounds awkward to me.

Also, I suggest using different words for drifter and drifting. I understand that the song is titled "Drifters theme" but you can overdo an idea . Try using vagabond in there...I like that word hehe. Sorry but I'm gonna have to quote a bob dylan song here (It's all over now baby blue...amazing lyrics)


"The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore
Strike another match, go start anew
And...it's all over now, baby blue"

Not to mention Wolfmother uses Vagabond to title IMO their best track. Go wolfmother!

whoops sorry i took over this post to advertise my own musical tastes. But good song nonetheless. Keep workin on it.