#1
Thanks to everyone who crit'ed my last one - my apologies that modern "prosetry" isn't very easy to simply tackle and rip to shreds... Nevertheless, my thanks.

So, how about something with a little more form to it, eh? A very recent piece with, in my opinion, a nice, casual tone... Good for the Sunday that my jeep's clock claims it to be.

Enjoy!

+++

Hello Again, Children

We bottle up the psyche?s self-loathing
Like checkerboard fireflies, dead and ?live,
Getting ourselves drunk on the elixir ?
Tipsy and topsy, upside-down absurd,
I, through the ill-regarded Rabbit-hole,

Am only capable of stuttering,

?Fear of the dark: no one sleeps alone; and
There really aren?t red lights in Wonderland.?

Alice stumbles, sans the blue and white dress,
Propping up her sagging, serpentine grin
With running makeup and dirty stockings.
Yet, I do remember that bastardized,
Cheshire smile on your effervescent face
After I told you, ?this isn?t the first??

I can?t stand to drink with that damn mirror
If it isn?t going to be the last...
#2
Wow. I liked it =p It was very well written with beautiful word choices *envies writers who can place big words in songs so well* Very good job! I especially loved the Alice in Wonderland comparisons! Awesome job!

Please crit my songs when you have the time =p
#4
I love your writing. I wish I could offer some serious insight, but it's 1:40 in the morning, and I'll just have to say that I think it's amazing. The Alice theme has been done a lot, but there's something about your style that pulls me along, making me want to read all of it. As Drowning_Helena said, you manage to use large words in a way that they fit neatly into the phrasing, whereas the same words would seem awkward in the hands of others.

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Elixir .010-.052
#5
Hmm... Alright.

First off, thanks everyone. Good to hear that people like my stuff!

I've been thinking about your comment, pixiesfanyo.
(As a preliminary note, I believe in rigorous and constant editing - a piece, in my opinion, is like a wound, and, if I think it'll work out better, I'm not going to be afraid to open it again...)

In removing one of the allusions, I've hit a wall. Albeit, yes, four allusions in sixteen lines is a bit much (although, that proposition is quantifying a quality...). However, I can't think up the manner in which it'd be easier to draw the parallels between Carroll's "Looking-glass" and my ruined childhood-imagery.

So, naturally, I'll see if you agree with me on my defense (of course, the rallying argument being: if you have to defend a point in poetry, your audience doesn't have the time to read the explanation, and you've probably already damned yourself in the argument...).

Ok, numero uno: "Rabbit-hole". In explaining it, this allusion appears like a bulwark of upholding the progression of images. It serves to present images of: sex, both in "Rabbit" and "hole"; travel; dark, tight, archetypal "womb" images; and, in context, it represents a casting-off of reality and conventional methods.
And, the next being: "'Wonderland'", which, honestly, my defense for is rather weak, in comparison... The image of a land of wonder - a place of mirth and myth - mixed into that image of red lights (especially the sexual connotation)... well, damn, it's feels bitter enough to be "poetry". And it flows well. (And, that's all I've got for it...)
A third: Alice... well, this one, honestly, is a manner of using my economy of words - Al-ice: two syllables to, essentially, hold up the pace of imagery and flow for the introduction of one of the more telling stanzas... In lines that are only ten syllables long, I'm not quite sure if I can stray from using Carroll's main character... Besides, to be so blunt with her name and almost casual with calling a beloved children's character a jaded slut... Oh hell, I don't know if I can pass that up. (a very demented )
Finally: "Chesire". This one, I suppose, I could remove. My issue is, to be completely clear, a connection with the audience. Not only is the Chesire Cat amongst the most memorable Looking-glass characters, I'm thinking that, going with the idea that not all audiences have immediate internet-dictionary capabilities, not all members will know "effervescent". I'm not sure I'm quite willing to let go of the audience's hand quite that much...

So - advice? I hope I've made my thoughts on the allusion crystal-clear... Some days, I tend to believe that I am simply a series of allusions written into existence, so I can only expect a comment of abuse to arise... constantly.
#6
I think the allusions worked just fine. I'm pretty sure anything I say won't be very helpful, so I'll just say that it's amazing and very impressive. Love the iambic as well.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#7
Thats awesome man, the alice reference is rad

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#8
Quote by paraboetheo

So - advice? I hope I've made my thoughts on the allusion crystal-clear... Some days, I tend to believe that I am simply a series of allusions written into existence, so I can only expect a comment of abuse to arise... constantly.


The problem isn't what they are expunging. It's the fact they just overpower the piece. If you write a piece that is completely defered of everything but allusion it makes every allusion seem weaker, so while you certainly can back up the purpose of each, the fact is that you have four allusions that generally make up the piece and that makes them lose their stride.

I think the real problem is an over use of allusion causes a lack of emotion. It makes it just seem like you're grasping out at other people's ideas. Maybe if you are going to use so many allusions at least try to go about it slightly more subtle and things.
#9
Seemingly edgier than your last one.

I enjoyed it. Good job, and I am hoping you stay here for a while, because both your critiques (which include by far the best advice ever) and your writing are of extremely high quality.

Great work.
#10
I am really tired but I wanted to say thank you for your crits on my piece. Your piece is amazing. I really enjoyed it as a whole but

We bottle up the psyche?s self-loathing
Like checkerboard fireflies, dead and ?live,
Getting ourselves drunk on the elixir ?
Tipsy and topsy, upside-down absurd,
I, through the ill-regarded Rabbit-hole,

This stood out in my mind. Awesome work man.
#11
I have to agree that the Alice allusions are a bit much. I almost missed the "jaded slut" side of the lyrics because I was thinking too much about the book itself, though once I noticed it I felt kind of stupid for almost missing it. I especially feel the Cheshire reference is completely unneeded. It added nothing for me, I almost felt like you were just trying to keep the Alice thing going just so people could relate better.

I have to say that the first bit is the best, and it is the bit that doesn't contain any allusion whatsoever. I like the casual tone, especially the way it contrasts the sort of dark subject matters like drinking and prostitutes. It says to me, "Here! I deal with this **** everyday, why don't you take some?" but in such a calm tone that it's even more shocking. Of course, I'm new to this lyric analyzing thing, but that's what I get.

That's not much of a crit, but if you feel like it, tear my new song up: My Basilica
#12
That was very pleasing to read. I must say you have good imagery and a talent for writing.
#13
Hey, thanks for the comments and critiques.

Concerning the allusions, I'm going to experiment with seeing if the problem is (as I'm now suspecting) proximity. (And getting rid of that Chesire allusion - as much as I do like that image, I would agree to say that it's an unnecessary indulgence.) Hmm... I might have to make it a bit longer (probably four lines, tops)...

Anywhoo, thank you, thank you to everyone who took at gander!