#1
this isnt anywhere near being finished, i think i tryed to rhyme to much, yet to be edited so....yeh lots of work to be done on it...its preyy crappy to....not to much experience writing.....


staring through the screen door
feeling like a prisoner of war
unable to move
unable to give

i cant reach the outside
i cant run nor can i hide
to leave this place, its impossible
this isnt acceptable

washing the blood from my face
ive given up, i rest my case
times like these, i like to reminisce
as im here, falling into an abyss

i think of the keeper of the stars
i wonder if he can see the scars
that you have left
you burnt me to the ground
left me here not to be found

theres nothing left of me
but the hate that i now feed
i cant sleep or dream
i just lay and scream


****comment please****
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#2
Its sort of a rocky ride the way it is. The mental picture I got at the end is sort of horrifiying. As you said, its not done yet. There are many lines that I really think you should change. Such as :

"this isnt acceptable" - doesn't fit with how you are saying everything else, totally out of place.

"feeling like a prisoner of war" - Sort of unclear, maybe alter it slightly or add a line if you can to better explain that idea. Like are you trapped inside your own mind, or a prison, or something else?

"i think of the keeper of the stars
i wonder if he can see the scars?

and

"i cant sleep or dream
i just lay and scream"

are my favourite lines, they seem clever and give something for my imagination to play with.

I don't know if you should use a ryhme scheme so strictly becuase many of your lines seem very forced and out of place. Such as when you used "reminisce" and "abyss". I like the basic idea of what you have, but you need to identify some issues and work on them. I'd love to see what you come up with when you think its done
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
thats for the crit.....helps alot.....yeh i really need to get out the line "this isnt acceptable".........becasue thats not acceptable....anyways if you need any of your work crited...give me a shout...thanks!
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp