#1
I hope the phrasing doesn't put you off this piece, it's a little choppy but I think it works better this way.

a scattered burnt-out
metropolis
the word?s meaning lost on
deaf ears of those who are
too proud or
too tired
to care.
(this world too broken to be good)
but out of the
clichéd
metaphorical
darkness
broken hopes and
long-forgotten cares
she descends
slowly
(too good for this world)
gracing it with her presence
out of the goodness of her
(golden)
heart.
staccato fingers banging out
a message
that is both pointless
and
needs to be said
(for the good of this world)
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#2
I really like this song. I like the landscape you portray. While it might not be my style, I still think your word selection is good. I especially like the last part, where you put in staccato fingers, changing the whole meaning of the song. Very clever
#3
Sorry to bump my own thread, but I really like this.
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#4
I thought the parenthetical statements were unnecessary. While the repetition of the device certainly added that author's commentary feel, which added another, more technical piece of flair to the work, I felt that, ultimately, the additions made weren't anything to shake a stick at. In reality, they served more as summaries, which is always an indication to a device gone awry.

However, I thought the imagery did add a nice something-something, only solidified by your understanding that the metaphor is, indeed, quite cliched. I would have liked to see more of yourself in the imagery, something telling me more about both the author and the speaker - maybe even some about the scene itself. The staccato concept started to go in this direction, but it was presented so late in the game, so to speak, that the rest of the poem seemed dull in comparison.

She could be given another adjective or two - give me an actuality, not a fantasy. I'd say, stick with the romanticized sort of diction and tone, but give me something distinct.

I'd have to say that your formatting proved true. To break it up helps me, so far as reading is concerned, keep a steady flow, where, otherwise, I would have to rely on the few-and-far-between sound devices (the repetition actually helped in the beginning, but I certainly wouldn't employ it to a more expansive use).

The diction is both simple and adds a romanticized quality to the piece - I'd say fitting well with both your audience and your own vision.
#5
Quote by paraboetheo
I thought the parenthetical statements were unnecessary. While the repetition of the device certainly added that author's commentary feel, which added another, more technical piece of flair to the work, I felt that, ultimately, the additions made weren't anything to shake a stick at. In reality, they served more as summaries, which is always an indication to a device gone awry.

However, I thought the imagery did add a nice something-something, only solidified by your understanding that the metaphor is, indeed, quite cliched. I would have liked to see more of yourself in the imagery, something telling me more about both the author and the speaker - maybe even some about the scene itself. The staccato concept started to go in this direction, but it was presented so late in the game, so to speak, that the rest of the poem seemed dull in comparison.

She could be given another adjective or two - give me an actuality, not a fantasy. I'd say, stick with the romanticized sort of diction and tone, but give me something distinct.

I'd have to say that your formatting proved true. To break it up helps me, so far as reading is concerned, keep a steady flow, where, otherwise, I would have to rely on the few-and-far-between sound devices (the repetition actually helped in the beginning, but I certainly wouldn't employ it to a more expansive use).

The diction is both simple and adds a romanticized quality to the piece - I'd say fitting well with both your audience and your own vision.


As always, your comment is extremely insightful and helpful. Thanks.

(Thank you also, Serrana; sorry I didn't say so in my other post.)
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#6
Im picturing this like something you would hear at like one of those poetry clubs and their like just reading it.. *snap* *snap**snap**snap*..
lol but anyways.. Its good what kind of music is it supposed to go to.
#7
Quote by LemonMonkey5
Im picturing this like something you would hear at like one of those poetry clubs and their like just reading it.. *snap* *snap**snap**snap*..




Quote by LemonMonkey5
lol but anyways.. Its good what kind of music is it supposed to go to.


Actually, this is my only piece thus far that wasn't really meant to go with any music; I more focused on the phrasing, which I think carries the most impact. If you want pieces to go with music, look at my other pieces.
Epiphone Dot Studio
Peavey Valve King 112 (w/ Eminence Texas Heat)
Digitech Hot Head
Dunlop Cry Baby GCB-95
Elixir .010-.052