#1
On Cracking Bamboo

What?s another layer of skin to peel?
My face slivered with glass
Parcels moist with aphrodisiac
Virgin flesh placid by your breath

I caught you weaving wounds in the air
Cleaving your notion of love
Hung on cambric shirts
Sewn without any seems

But my chaste muscles are wary
Contouring in a memoir
Of their reborn selves

I?ll make myself dream of the ocean
Dot your neurosis with Popsicle hearts
Piece together a notion of love
While drowning in astral parts
#2
On first glances this looks nice.

I should get back to this one, for now you can have a bump up the first page
#4
I'll attempt something like this

On Cracking Bamboo

What?s another layer of skin to peel?
My face slivered with glass
Parcels moist with aphrodisiac
Virgin flesh placid by your breath

Reads nice. But here's why I don't attempt to crit many works from writers such as yourselfs- I didn't really get this stanza. Maybe it's me, or maybe it is pretty vague- but the lesser skilled like myself won't get this, except I know that means little.

I caught you weaving wounds in the air
Cleaving your notion of love
Hung on cambric shirts
Sewn without any seems

I think the flow suffers a little here as the lines get a bit shorter. I don't know if "Cleaving" i the greatest choice of words here.

But my chaste muscles are wary
Contouring in a memoir
Of their reborn selves

Nice.

I?ll make myself dream of the ocean
Dot your neurosis with Popsicle hearts
Piece together a notion of love
While drowning in astral parts

Good ending, nice rhyme.

See, what you need is someone else to come along and give you some proper help- I guess I can only try my best.

But if I don't get a piece, I judge it on the flow, and how nicely it read. And I think this was pretty good.

If you feel like returning- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=388413

Many thanks if you do.
#5
Alright, I certainly owe you one by now...

Well, there's certainly no issues, really, with the imagery. There's a cohesive feel to it, with all the repetition matching up in the right spots.

I almost would have liked to see the neurosis more... but, that's both because that line was a killer and because I think psychology in poetry is awesome... I don't know - maybe a hint (only a hint) of it in the cleaving. That, though the image was there, almost sounded like a directly displayed emotion (or mental state, at least) would have guided it towards impacting the wider audience and sweetened it for the people who got it the first time around.

So far as flow goes, I really found it great at some points, yet clunky at others. I certainly thought that second stanza was the strongest, have that alliteration followed by the internal "weaving/cleaving" rhyme... I suppose I wanted to see more consonance or assonance, if not immediately, indirectly woven in this piece. After all, the tone comes off so desperate, yet docile... Hmm... Especially that first stanza. If anything, in that first - the consonance off of the 'f's in the last two lines is nice, but I wanted something more noticeable - maybe even an outright alliteration.
#7
I love how you make everything come together, it all fits really nicely. But like Jammy, I feel I can offer little or no help. I don't "get" it either.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#8
On Cracking Bamboo

What?s another layer of skin to peel?
My face slivered with glass
Parcels moist with aphrodisiac
Virgin flesh placid by your breath
Great imagery. Excellent metaphor for getting to truely know a person, be it yourself or not. What really suffered here was the flow. I wanted it to flow so bad, but I just couldn't see it. Sorry mate, happens to the best of us.

I caught you weaving wounds in the air
Cleaving your notion of love
Hung on cambric shirts
Sewn without any seems
Better flow here. "Weaving wounds in air" is one of the most beautiful metaphors for gossiping I've ever seen. The way she sees love is also ineteresting in a paradoxal unilateral/multilateral way. Oh and I just noticed, there is not one punctuation mark in this piece. This is obviously not accidental, and it reflects the "sewn without seems" part brilliantly.

But my chaste muscles are wary
Contouring in a memoir
Of their reborn selves
Very nice. It's interesting how the girl's attitude affects you.
I?ll make myself dream of the ocean
Dot your neurosis with Popsicle hearts
Piece together a notion of love
While drowning in astral parts
How very Ben Gibbard (I like Ben Gibbard). This is the flow that was lacking in the first. The three images were perfect. This is the kind of writing I've come to expect of you. Good job!


Alright, all in all this was a very good piece Jared. The first paragraph's flow was nowhere to be found, and had it not been for that, your piece would have been excellent. Keep writing, it always turns up something good.

Oh and if you want to check out my latest, I think it's slightly subpar and that I'm entering a period of writers' block. Then again I may be completely off

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=388245
#10
A very interesting peice. The weaving wounds in the air is a very cool metphaor. This is the type of writing that's deeper then when we read. I dig it man, good to read some stuff from you, it's been a while since I have.

If you don't mind, critting my poem A Funeral For Chivalry? It's on the first page, shouldn't be to hard.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#11
Wow. Very nice. I would attempt to give it a full crit but I agree with pooch on everything. I absolutely love the metaphor "I caught you weaving wounds in the air". Sorry I couldn't do anything more. But if you would like to crit mine it would be greatly appreciated. No one has given it an actual crit yet. The link is in my sig.

Can't wait to read more from you.
#13
Thanks to pooch who did the hard work for us less able to decipher.
Now I am in touch with this I can see what a great bit of writing this is. The diction you have used to explain the situation is brilliant. and I agree that the flow isn't the most important thing here, your words hold it together on their own, and the imagey and metaphors are mighty fine.

Nice work Mate