#1
Okay! Another song by yours truely =p I wrote this one today so please let me know what you think of it! Crit 4 crit as usual ^^

Where are your angels?

(verse 1)

Suffocating darkness fills the stage
You are the princess- the leading role
Your beauty drifts with you as you take each step
His hungry eyes watch- what a lustful soul

(verse 2)

As the spotlight finds its place, my dear
You stand still with such composure
Unaware of the dangers mutilating your comfort zone
He builds himself up and corners you without a stir

He'll laugh as he muffles your cries
Pushing you as you wish you'd just die

(chorus)

Let your tears wash the terror off your face
He won't show you any compassion or mercy
As he plays on your weaknesses with ease

He'll watch you fall
He'll watch you break
Steal all your trust
Burn through your faith

Where are your angels now?

(verse 3)

When the curtains are finally cut
You lay weak- bleeding, and shaking on the floor
Roses fall delicately around your body
They applaud for him as they label you a wh.ore

There's no way to erase that dreadful night
He won that battle- now it's your turn to fight

(chorus)

Where are your angels now?
Will they listen to a poor girls cry?
Smite the villain who deserves to die?
Where are your angels now?
How much will you need to bleed?
Before all your pain is finally freed?

Where are your angels now?
Last edited by Drowning_Helena at Jul 7, 2006,
#2
That's pretty good. I'd love to hear the melody for that. It's good that I can tell exactly what this song is about. I also like the imagery you paint with your words, if that doesn't sound too cliched. Your lyrics are descriptive and really bring the reader into the world you've created with your song.
#3
Quote by residentSHIELD
That's pretty good. I'd love to hear the melody for that. It's good that I can tell exactly what this song is about. I also like the imagery you paint with your words, if that doesn't sound too cliched. Your lyrics are descriptive and really bring the reader into the world you've created with your song.


Yeah, I agree. I especially like the 'He'll watch you fall
He'll watch you break
Steal all your trust
Burn through your faith'
part. It's catchy, and that's good for a chorus in a song. Teh rhythm (in my head) was off a few parts, but I'm sure you wouldn't notice it with music. Good job.
#4
awesome song man. . . . i love that last part. . . . awesome imagery though the whole song. . . i had trouble finding a rhythm to it but no doubt u already have one for it. . . . anyway amazing, descriptive, dark, and threatening. . . i loved it, so get some music to it lol
#5
Very good job. The verses and chorus flow very well.

He'll watch you fall
He'll watch you break
Steal all your trust
Burn through your faith'
part. It's catchy, and that's good for a chorus in a song. Teh rhythm (in my head) was off a few parts, but I'm sure you wouldn't notice it with music. Good job.


Agreed.
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#8
I like it alot. the chorus isn't quite as good as the verses, but I'm not saying it's bad. the second half of the song is amazing, especially "Will they listen to a poor girls cry?
Smite the villain who deserves to die?" great song, 9.5/10.
B.C. RICH
#9
Roll ought to be role. Unless... well... Unless my dreams of an incredible, edible, bread-stuffed golem have come true...

Ok, let's start with the imagery. It's vivid enough and certainly coherent. However, I don't feel like it's organized and directed to its full potential. First, the reoccuring theatrical images, in my opinion, missed their full strength - that is, of course, the primal nature of the stage. Understanding that most don't have quite the invested time into the theater as other, I will be brief to say that lighting and sound are, with no offensive intent (after all, I have technical credits, too) to any techies, the least powerful of theatrical images, primarily because they're almost universal any one other type of performance (dance, music, even spoken-word poetry - they all use lighting and sound in a functional way). Now, turning this into a positive: it's best to use theatrical imagery in its most primal appearances. Turn to the Greeks, Japanese, or even some of the more dramatic Hindi dances, and you'll find a big emphasis on costume, the stage itself, and, more than likely, some sort of mask (which, in modern theater hasn't entirely disappeared, you just have to realize that it is expected to be integrated into our own face, so to speak...). Strong images of entertainment, philosophy, history, and, from the actor's perspective, illusion. However, I'll confess to say: this is mostly in my opinion. (I, being a thespian, have some strong opinion, at that, on the representation of theatre in literature; I suppose I can thank Shakespeare.)

Alright... after that rant and/or comment...

There's plenty of great emotional imagery, but I wanted, if anything, one strong "real" image just to make the situation traverse the No Man's Land between dream-like haze and repression's haze. Also, you'll build the disgust for the deed, which, in turn, should play up the sense of victimization.

The addition of angels kind of seemed... out of place. Some indication earlier, perhaps, would have transitioned a pattern of abuse/victim images and theatrical images into this grand angel figure - a guardian and vindicator - in a better, more condusive manner.

The flow seemed a smidge off. I'm going to surmise that this is the fault of pronouns, both personal and possessive. Too many "you"s, "his"s, et cetera. It's clogging up flow with indications of where my attention should be placed, as opposed to my attention naturally assuming to go where it should (and, the audience'll usually know who you're talking about).
#10
Wow- thanks guys so much for all your awesome crits! I appreciate it so much... and well- I may make a couple changes here and there since this was the rough copy... But for now- thanks so much for all your replies!

Anyone else wanna crit for me?
#11
wow i really like it. the chorus is the highlight from me an i like the story behind it. about an actress gettin, well, raped i gess. really good imagery in that 3rd verse. id really like to hear the music for such a song
#12
Somehow I liked it. I really liked both your choruses. I'm not really fan of dark lyrics but these have truth in them. Reminds of the song called Cecilia by The Blood Brothers.

If you wanna crit one of my songs, look up Pride So Tall.
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