#1
I wrote this about ten, fifteen minutes ago. I've been messing around with different styles of writing, so I'd appreciate crits on how I did.

It might seem a little emo, and it might be a little emo. The music isn't, but it's about a pretty tough time for me.

Anyway, crit for crit. Thanks

The Sleeper's Song

She sings the songs of sirens
An enchanting, holy canon
Stirring me from my old struggles
To keep a weary vigil
All alone in this hallowed room
I perceive myself in a dead man?s tomb
As I read, and write, and pray
For the dawn of griefless day

As my eyes grow dim from tears
Of a sick soul that cannot hear
She comes to me on shimmering wings
And sings her song, so comforting
She whispers an ancient nocturne:
?Dust you are, and to dust you will return?
To me, it?s strangely soothing
Like a sleeper?s steady breathing

She?s my angel of light
Dressed all in white
She?s my beautiful siren
Calling me back home

She calls me with her siren song
To return to where I belong
And rest from the night?s tiresome trials
To sleep with a dreamer?s smile
I know that I am so weary
Of this moonlit vigil, dark and dreary
And her song is so beautiful
But I need not be so proud
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
Last edited by doctor_rocker at Jul 7, 2006,
#2
Rythmically I can't fault it, it has a very steady and constant metre.
I love your use of 'siren song', it expresses, what I assume to be a girl you a writing about, very well.
I would say there is a little room for improvement.. a few of the lines are a little chiché? Predictable perhaps.
Like '?Dust you are, and to dust you will return?', featured in almost every HIM song I can think of I'm afraid.
One other improvement would be to change the last word. I don't know if 'prideful' is even a word.. I think you mean 'proud'? And even if prideful is a word it's a bit weak as an ending.
Other than that I'd say the song has potential and the idea is a very good one. Well done!
#3
^ Thanks, I didn't like prideful too much either, but I wanted to keep the rhyme scheme... I guess I can prob screw the rhyme scheme for the last line. Just say I changed it for effect

[EDIT]: And the song isn't actually about a girl, just an fyi
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
Last edited by doctor_rocker at Jul 7, 2006,
#4
yeah i think proud might be the better choice of words, but otherwise I really liked it. If you haven't noticed, I'm not that good at critiqueing(sp?) things. However, "To me, it?s strangely soothing/Like a sleeper?s steady breathing", I thought that was brilliant.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#5
Great imagery and excellent use of words. This is really good. It does borderline cliche in some lines but the good outweighs the bad. Nice job man. looking forward to seeing more from you.
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9.22.05: Disturbed, Ill Nino, 10 Years
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10.2.06: Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Mars Volta
11.21.06: Disturbed, Stone Sour, Flyleaf, Nonpoint
#6
Yeah, and for the ?Dust you are, and to dust you will return? part, I know its cliche, but I definetly will not change that part. That was very deliberately chosen. I understand how some other parts are a bit cliche, too, though... I'll fix the "prideful" line.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#7
A tad cliche, yes, but that's already been spoke about.

Maybe you want rewrite that line, maybe put your own spin on the cliche that it is.

However, I think your flow was brilliant in this piece, really nicely done and put together.

Overall, a decent piece which I think, with a bit of an editing session, could be a very good piece.
#8
^ Well, I didn't want to change that because it's a quote from the Bible, and that was intentional. I know that its cliche and that everyone knows that line, but I just felt that it really belonged anyway. It was kind of designed to be familiar with people.

Anyway, I've done a bit of revising, so I'll put the new version up.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#9
Quite like that. A cool calm song.
The whole thing fits together nicely. So credit for finding so many lyrics along the same lines.
Especially like the second verse.

Good stuff.
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#10
I like it, has a nice steady metre, some decent imagery and none of the rhymes seem forced, so it holds up as a good steady song, nothing massively special, but solid.
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