#1
This is the first thing I've actually written down and completed. Its kind of about acid, and kind of about some other stuff but I guess it can be interpreted however you like. Crit for crit, of course. Thanks.


Your room is shaking,
Your world is breaking.
The sounds become colors, and the colors become you

You heart starts racing,
Be calm, embrace it
Your hand starts to shake, as you bid your world adieu

The doors are open, let your mind walk through
Theres a voice inside, who will stay with you.
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??


You?re still scared
?Cause theres no going back
What if it never stops and you just, never come back?

Dizzying patterns and,
Wonderful sounds
You like it now, don?t want to come down


The doors are open, let your mind walk through
Theres a voice inside, who will stay with you.
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??

The doors are open, let your mind walk through
Theres a voice inside, still calling you.
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??

Question yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
Last edited by Room On Fire at Jul 8, 2006,
#2
I loved this. This is a really nice song, man. Simple, but effective in word usage. There isn't a whole lot to say about this, but I'd give it a 9/10

[EDIT]: And if you feel like it, I'd love a crit: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=389508
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#3
Wow.

That's brilliant, man.

Sorry, i'm not very good at crit, but "am i what i seem" "am i what i dream" are the best lines in there.

Crit my song "four quaters
#4
brilliant man, nice fast tempo fitted to the subject, and good use of vocabulary and devices. 10/10 as a great solid song.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#5
I will try and get a recording up as soon as possible and as soon as I write actual music for it.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
Last edited by Room On Fire at Jul 7, 2006,
#7
6½/10... don't tell me you made up that?
i recognize bits and pieces from different songs i've heard..
but it sounded really cool..
if it would've been 100% yours i would've given you 9/10..
#8
^I'm pretty sure those are all my original lyrics. I didn't knowingly steal anyone else's work. If you could point out the parts that you think are stolen, please do.

EDIT: for those that are confused, I recently tripped on acid for the first time and it inspired me to write this song.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
Last edited by Room On Fire at Jul 8, 2006,
#10
kaKan alot of lyrics are very similar to alot of pieces, but thats no bad thing, its incredibly hard to be original, and unless you can give us a definitive song that contains alot of those exact words, we have to take it as his. Maybe he does have fragments of memories of other songs which had some lines that he accidentally put into this, so what. its still a good song.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#11
Quote by dnjoe
kaKan alot of lyrics are very similar to alot of pieces, but thats no bad thing, its incredibly hard to be original, and unless you can give us a definitive song that contains alot of those exact words, we have to take it as his. Maybe he does have fragments of memories of other songs which had some lines that he accidentally put into this, so what. its still a good song.



Thank you.


also, to kaKan, no I'm not a total faggot and don't go to discos.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#12
Nice lyrics man, the only thing i would suggest is to mix it up a little where it goes,

The doors are open, let your mind walk through
Theres a voice inside, who will stay with you.
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??

Maybe like this in a couple of verses, just so they are not all exactly the same.

The doors are open, let your mind walk through
The voice inside, still calling you
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I seem??
Ask yourself, ?Am I what I dream??

Still a very nice song all together . 9 out of 10
#14
pretty brilliant 9.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999/10
#16
Alright, but I didn't think much of the last three stanzas or the dialogue parts.

I'd recommend reading the lyrics tips at the top of the forum to maybe help you expand on this piece, and make it deeper and stronger in meaning.
#18
Great song, I felt like I was trippin just reading it. Consider adding, instead of just using general dizzy, colorful imagery, a specific dream or experience you had on acid. It would make it just a little more meaningful and real. Also, please crit Gone Away. Thanks, Rock and Rule.