#1

Any thoughts or suggestions very much appreciated and returned.

Seduce your audience with a peroxide promise,
Liberty and lies entwined like a pillar spidered with ivy lace.
Like scattering pale rose petals over a bloodbath-
Bloodshed cannot be concealed with your whitewash of tales.
And as a breath of wind to chalkdust
May appear poetic, it blinds the sad fools who pause to case
The counterfeit scene.

Light demands its final curse of vision before it abandons the sky,
A blast so intense it resembles a visual white noise, full volume.
Now darkness shrouds the prayers spat with scorn.
Faith is for the fortunate, there is no God for the victims of a lie.
As guilty eyes avert from clouds merging to warning smoke-
If not the smoking barrell following the poorly aimed shot.

Such a story is foresaken by the angels who brought us here
And watched us destroy our Eden, by our hunger for the apple of gold.
Yet whispers of the scolded dream
still brand the ones who lack desire.

I did want to put these two lines in but I didn't think they fitted and sounded.. pretentious?

repremanding cold words lead to a razorblade to the wrist
edging the outline of the said 'victim to themselves'
Last edited by jagmasterjammer at Jul 8, 2006,
#2
This was good. I don't care for those two extra lines though...it's fine without 'em. The imagery and metaphors used were all excellent, but I can see why it would be hard to put this to music. I suggest keeping a pretty constant syllable scheme so that things fit together better, and it is easier to write music for it.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#5
it's good, with a few unecessary lines.

Such a story is foresaken by the angels who brought us here
And watched us destroy our Eden, by our hunger for the apple of gold.
Yet whispers of the scolded dream
still brand the ones who lack desire.

that's the best part, because it's the most interesting part. a very nice piece. 9/10.
B.C. RICH
#6
merkalos666, probably acoustic guitar because I'm a 'solo artist'. Think Dallas Green?
and thank you very much b.c.rich rules. I'll work on the 'filler' lines.