#1
Its happening I am afraid
I?m becoming what we feared
The beast that resides in this hollow rib cage
Is seeping through

I fought valiantly for you
But this has got the best of me
You will notice my change in due time
Small at first
Very subtle
But it will worsen

So when I have you alone
Don?t trust me
These teeth only need a target
And your neck got the mark

The words will be laced with trickery
And entwined with the heart of a thief
Don?t listen to my lack of substance
Because dear it will be the end of you
Last edited by frd_marshll at Jul 8, 2006,
#2
Very nice.

But this as got the best of me

Typo, should be "has".

But it will worsen

I think this line was a bit weak, it could probably be improved.

The only other thing wa the last two lines, I didn't really like the "Dear" you put in.

Other than that, a fine piece, well written, and a perfectly good flow to it all.

Nice job, keep it up.

If you want, a crit on this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=388413 it would be much appreciated. Thanks if you do.
#5
Firstly, Kheira(sp?) Knightly is so amazingly gorgous. My god....

Anyways I liked it. I didnt like the second verse as much but thats cus I'm a sucker for patterns. I liked the hollow rib cage line, and the 3rd verse, and I like the bitter tone of this song. I'm listening to Electric Funeral by Sabbath and it gives a very good feel to this song . And including dear in the fourth verse was a nice touch
#8
because i just saw the movie before i wrote this

its kind of a inside joke sort of

but yeah thanks