#1
this is my first piece for a very long time, after struggling for a very long time with being able to write absolutely nothing. Inspired by the eels(atleast 1 person should know who they are even if ive never met 1 before)

verse :

Man looking,
At the flickering box.

A box,
in many russian boxes.

A picture,
flicks accross his deadened eyes.

He watches,
while everyone else dies.

Chorus:

Behind the blank stare,
A menagerie of black and white glare.
Flowing oceans of,
the depths of his,
emotions let go.

Verse:


Found glaring,
At what the gameshow host is wearing.

Found staring,
into rancid air.

Contemplating,
the lost life of the tunnel vision man.

The man,
he has become.

The man to succumb.

Chorus:


Behind the blank stare,
A menagerie of black and white glare.
Flowing oceans of,
the depths of his,
emotions let go.

Verse:


This was,
A man of considerable wealth.

This was,
A man who demanded some respect.

He declined,
to notice the happiness outside.

and now he,
has no time with which to bide.

Chorus:


Behind the blank stare,
A menagerie of black and white glare.
Flowing oceans of,
the depths of his,
emotions let go.

Verse:

If only,
there was something but the coldness outside

If only,
he had somewhere warm to turn.

The pictures,
and their medium of blankness.

Well outweighed,
the chill and its horrible caress.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
thanks guys, and the eels do rule. this was partly modelled off man sleeping woman driving, not sure how much of it comes through though.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#5
This could easily make a fine song. I think the chorus is the strongest part of the whole piece, and I liked the fact that you were brave enough to use the word menagerie - shows a level of compentency with the English language. Well written.
#6
I thin kyou need to find some flow for this piece, as it iss extremely stop-start, what with the couplets and all. To make this catchy you'd need flow with a good pace, and this doesn't ahev that.

However, it was a perfectly acceptable song, I thought. Nice job.
#7
it does the way im hoping to do it, hopefully the melody inbetween the couplets should carry it through. It'll either work or fail miserably though, hoping to start the music soon.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#8
It kinda sounds poetic. If you are one if those ppl who enjoy songs that make you think what the acctuall meaning of the song, this is that kind of song. Great. Maybe you should add like a post verse or a bridge with lyrics or something. Because if the song is just going to be a verse and chorus over and over, its going to be kinda boring. Thats in my opinion.
#9
you might be right about a bridge, When I start to put it to music I might add something like that in, I'll try at any rate. thanks a bunch guys.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#10
i find it rather monotonous. i second the idea of the bridge, and i hope that the music makes it a bit catchier. it is a solid piece of writing, and as you mentioned will either be a hit or a flop, there is no inbetween on a piece like this. good luck with the music.

#11
I like the second and most of the third verse. The message sent in this song is very interesting in unique. I could see how you could have made it stereotypical and cookiecutter but you did a good job of keeping it your own. I'm not too fond of the chorus though.
#12
thanks for the advuce guys, i think cause this was just a song to pul me out of not being able to write im just going to leave it as I know its just not one of my best.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#13
deep. But it is kinda too deep for me. I don't like songs (no offence) that are too deep that you cannot understand what the meaning is supposed to be. What is it supposed to mean?
#14
its about a guy watching tv and getting cut-off from the outside world, its a darn shallow song
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#15
i took a while to get this too man, but it is a good song, not really shallow but kind of...
anyway, i thought it was a well written song, im wondering what music style is it onna be?

if youre critting back, its in my sig
#16
I cant do yours right now, but I will get round to it, thanks for the crit man.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.