#1
Headache 7/7/06

Verse

Flush this down your throat
And watch how you begin to decay inside
Take mine and forget the label
And see how you feel afterwards

Chorus

Headache but trying
Headache and dying
Headache your poisoning me
your just ****ing with me

Verse

Shove it into your eyes
And see how color turns into black and white
Stare into this ball
And get hypnotized by all your own faults

Break

This will all clear away
I will be ok
I will be beside you again
Until I remember that you did this to me
#3
Ok... the images follow the theme in a fair enough manner, but, on their own regards, are disjointed at best. There needs to be an apparent progression between the first verse and the second with the images. As it stands right now, you're certainly giving me quantity, but not the quality I would expect from each image. Build your tone through your diction; build your theme through your images. If you're too fast-paced in description via imagery, you'll run into the problem of spreading your theme too thin, making most of your diction responsible for building your theme, which means that the words are, essentially, only serving to produce a major action and not that very welcomed ambiance one comes to expect from lyrics.

Secondly, the flow's off-kilter, because your words don't connect to each other. Consonance and assonance are your friend. To really clear up the flow, however, you're going to want to drop superfluous words - little clinging words like "inside" after "decay". These clog up the flow and make delivery more difficult, because your lines are, by nature of syllables, too long.

Finally, use your chorus to expound upon your thesis - "Until I remember that you did this to me" being that revenge statement. Use repetition less as something to comfortably present your ideas and more as something that undoubtedly stings more each time it is mentioned (hence, sparing use oft maximizes efficacy). That chorus space needs to be your voice developing your thoughts in a creative manner, yet a manner that still connects well with your audience. Currently, it seems more like something simply written to congeal your verses together into some ill-made coalition, which reflects poorly upon the development of your thesis/revenge statement.
#4
Thanks for the help guys. Paraboetheo i'll work with what you said thanks. JJkunz978 it is meant to be a hard rock song but with girl Vocals, that my sister will be singing.
#5
it's pretty awesome- i love heavy music with chick singers. I'm actually listening to Flyleaf right now. The only thing i have to say is that it seems sort of generic... (better than breaking benjamin, though...) try to give it more of a sharper sense, right now it seems so foggy. I'm trying to stay away from the same thing with my lyrics.