#1
This is really really really short. I want to work more with it. But, I ran out of ideas...cause its really late (or shall I say early in the morning). Maybe Ill keep it at this length?
I know its cliche and all of that fun stuff, but just work with it and please offer any tips

So anything will really help me now

And of course, Ill return.

This Song Has No Title And I Doubt I'll Ever Name It

And then you can notice the melancholy boy leaning against the corner of the room.
With a joint in his mouth and gel slicked by a backwards motion of the hand.
He thought that he owned the joint.
But he sold it to his self-destructive lifestyle.
For he never had a proper life nor was he a connoisseur of style.
His breath smells of deceit, rum, and coke.
Providing his audience to taste both malice and happiness.
Smirking at the silhouette's disjointed off of the oil paint which coats the walls.

Many would claim that he was the boy that always had the razors imprinted on his wrists.
Though he'd rather have a mirror shattered over both his fists.
Just to break the stereotype.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jul 8, 2006,
#2
It almost feels like a documentary... I mean, there's something about it that would have me get some British-accent to narrate, "observe the emo in his natural habitat."

Hrm... Something is very amiss...

Well, it flows like flat prose - almost more in the style of a novel than anything else. I suppose the exposition doesn't entirely help that, but, at the same time, there's almost an excess - there's an aura of indulgence in a scene that feels more like all it's eaten in the last week was a ham sandwich...

And, then, there's a problem with the flow, because it feels like you're actually uncomfortable writing this piece. The disjointed flow and uninspired imagery only compounds to this point, building up to a grand pinnacle of either you being quite tired or bored.

Next, as a member of the audience, I don't feel much of a connection with the character. There needs to be some indication, a solid one, that this character is a fictional human, not a human in fiction. You give some windows into his thoughts, but the delivery mechanisms are almost expected (at worst, dare I say, cliche) and leave much to be desired.

I suppose it's the corpse-in-the-trunk optimist in me that says that you ought to edit it and see where it goes when your Muse is kinder - perhaps with a little more consciousness and clarity of thought.
#3
This is very good.
My favourite line is 'His breath smells of deceit, rum, and coke.', probably because te deceit isn't something physical and the other things are and so the contrast works very well.
I thought this line 'Many would claim that he was the boy that always had the razors imprinted on his wrists.' was a bit predictable, but the lines you followed it with countered that in a second.
I love your style, really good piece.
#4
paraboetheo said what I thought but in a way that better than I could put it- my main concern was the lack of any flow, I thought it really stumbled it's way to the ending.

Other things I didn't take to twas the use of "joint" I think three times in the first stanza, the lifestyle/style couplet and the whole second stanza.

To be brutally honest, probably the worst piece I've read from you since I've been on here- Yes, if you go back to this, I think it will need a heck of a rewrite, but maybe this is just one you want to forget about and let it go ?
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 8, 2006,
#5
yeah i agree with paraboetheo. the song seems too long and percise, maybe if you split up the lines a bit and changed the words too something a little more un-percise
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#7
I really didnt like it, all the lines seemed disjointed, like a man lying on the floor with 27 broken bones, it just wasnt pretty, but not in a good way which relates to the theme. and the lyrics werent particularly anything special in my eyes either.
songs: Left Behind choices
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