#1
Something different for me.

***
Glass.
Cold.
He presses himself against the window,
lips bleeding,
hands shaking.
Dark night,
He traces her eye line.
She looks away.
High building,
roof top,
rain.
Curtains billow,
open apartment french window.
He puts his glass on the ledge,
watches her.
Vestal dress,
stained with her self-esteem.
Blanket.
Silence,
he parts her lips with his fingertips,
kisses her,
she splutters.
Blunt expression.
Blunt weapon.
Crunch.
Thud.
Job done.

***
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#3
I dont liek it, its a bit too childish and unrealistic
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
okay...fair enough...you're entitled to your opinion...but you should give justification as to why you think so....and why does writing have to be realistic? if all writing was realistic there would be very few ways of expanding the boundaries of human perception...think before you type
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#6
Its just some writing? Does it need to be a poem or a song? do you need to be so secure in its categorization to analyse it or give a justified opinion?
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#8
i didn't really bother me...I was just saying
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#9
deary me=P i was just pointing out that it can be what ever the reader chooses it to be...if i'd wanted it to be a song or a poem i would or specificed in the original post.
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#12
No no. i'm jsut saying that it doesn't have to be anything the reader doesn't want it to be. It's exactly everything the reader requires from it.
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#13
um, I'm gonna be nice and give you an actual crit. I didn't really like it because it seems kind of uninteresting, and it was hard for me to read because it felt very choppy.
B.C. RICH
#14
is it a song or a poem? because if its sung to music the reader doesnt have much choice but to call it a song.
#15
Quote by Lyric
Its just some writing? Does it need to be a poem or a song? do you need to be so secure in its categorization to analyse it or give a justified opinion?


...
#16
Actually, they do have a point (as much I doubt they knew they had a point, they do).

There is a significant difference between the style in which a lyric or a poem is written and it is the poet's responsibility to clarify (which, in actuality, you've seem to do), since most audiences aren't going to be secure in their language training to actually tell an author they did something wrong... (But, that's a different story for a different thread on a different day.)

The imagery is delivered on the level of expectancy - good visuals, some touch, but little representation in the way of bridging any significant gaps in order to create a echelon of imagery that simply stuns the reader. In this poem, I would assert, that is almost a necessary form of imagery to have - a slithering, writhing sort of web that connects the senses to bind and focus them directly towards the ultimate experience of the major action.

Now, I say this because of the attempted flow. Your biggest issue is that there's a deliberate break in the lines, yet it feels very much like a delegation of emphasis on puncturing the line, not bending it and curving it to the next. Hence, it appears that you've sacrificed flow for an abrasive experience. Now, while flow may, at times, be sacrificed in this manner, it is a thing best kept to moderation, namely because your presentation and the manner in which your lines are read best resonates with immediate satisfaction on behalf of your readers - they won't be able to pay too much attention if they can't get past how abrasive the line breaks are, basically. So, the suggestion is to keep breaks in moderation and to enhance the imagery. This way, the reader will focus on a smoothly running poem, able to both prosper from the general movement of their attention and the general message that you're presenting.

"Crunch.
Thud.
Job done"

These don't communicate with the rest of the piece. The tone is killed, the imagery is vague and, at the most expressive, too gritty, and the harder sounds only feed your flow issues.
#17
its a songwriting forum
therefore, lyrics are supposed to be posted.
but i guess reading some of the literature
around this forum, its just a place for
people to post poems and the like.
i liked the imagery, by the by.
i also agree with the others as to the ending,
i would recommend a change.

please crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=397833
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#18
Quote by paraboetheo


"Crunch.
Thud.
Job done"

These don't communicate with the rest of the piece. The tone is killed, the imagery is vague and, at the most expressive, too gritty, and the harder sounds only feed your flow issues.
I think he was actually trying to make it abrupt and hard, a purposeful kill. I liked how you did that, Lyric, it spoke to me.

Can you please crit my latest rap, if you haven't already, its "The Fate of the Lesser", and I would really appriciate it if you would look at it for me. There is a link to it in my sig. Thank you.
#19
^
There's a difference between killing your tone and abruptly ending a piece.

A space, and "Job done", even, would be pushing it. The very plain matter is that he's gone about butchering the tone, which ought not be ended for effect. To abruptly change the tone is the equivalent of taping a poet with dissociative identity disorder write for a year, then hitting fast-forward just to speed up the process - the stark difference loses "effect" status and drifts into something that simply confuses the reader.

Tone, essentially, indirectly communicates the writer's take on the major action (not to be confused with mood, with directly communicates the writer's opinion on the piece in entirety), for the qualities assigned designate, essentially, what emotions are supposed to be evoked. Hence, abruptly changing tones shakes the foundation of emotion that's been building throughout the piece. Now, while there are devices that do, indeed, immediately change tone, they are understood by the reader to be effective devices that connect to some greater device. In this situation, however, the piece demands, by the selection of imagery, that a tone carry through, in order to solidify the first idea to the last in a line drawn in a distinct tonal color.

Besides as much, there's nothing wrong with telling someone that something purposeful failed, in general. If we've become too fond of our feelings, its best we stay away from the criticisms of our peers. Certainly, as long as they develop reasons as to why something was either not effective or not effective as it could have been, then there is a valid critique present, which will aim towards the betterment of both the piece and, more importantly, the writer.
#20
^It really all depends how it is actually said. It could sound so much different in my head than yours, and I can hear it in a way that pleases me. But you have a point.
#21
I kinda of like the choppiness, didn't much care for the last 3 lines, but I guess pretty much everybody's said that. I love the title though, yep.Great title.


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#22
i still think my point made clear, sounds like crunch and thud remind me and probably a lot of people about cartoons where sounds like that would be im big colourful stars after a person hit someone.