#1
Hope you read and crit. It won't be easy to understand.


It's a dieing threat and a discoverd cause
Joined at the hip in siamese fashion
Tip of your tounge, whip as its action
And you subliminaly gave me the clue of rebellion

I sailed the seven seas, like a sailor
And turned out the treasure of solace
Bickering as you where, I am no less
And you accidentally fashion your own gullotine

I was there when chivalry died
And as cold as the coffin may have been
I still laughed with others who attended
For so few arrived dressed in black
(The knife was still in my pocket)


Permanent, permanent, permanent
Memory in the back of our head
Set forth day, and bring the night to the dead
And you flailed your arms in tears
Like a tantrum at a funeral

(The knife now lays in my own back)
Run!
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Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#2
It's intresting, though it is a little tough to understand, I stilled enjoyed it. The bolded area was my favorite. My only problem I can think of is the repetion of permanent in the final verse, though it doesn't really phaze me, perhaps you can think of something more creative. Other than that, well done.

crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=387387
#4
There's nothing wrong with this. But it has a problem, there is also nothing right with this. It's solid, but emotionless. It's written well, but not anything out of the ordinary. It's like.. the definition of average. Nothing sticks out but nothing really takes away. Try to put in some creativity, or some of yourself in the piece.

That is all. I can't really complain about it. But I can't really praise it either. It' sjust eh.
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
There's nothing wrong with this. But it has a problem, there is also nothing right with this. It's solid, but emotionless. It's written well, but not anything out of the ordinary. It's like.. the definition of average. Nothing sticks out but nothing really takes away. Try to put in some creativity, or some of yourself in the piece.

That is all. I can't really complain about it. But I can't really praise it either. It' sjust eh.


Thanks

It's actually got a lot of underlying emotion. But that's for the reader to really find out. Thanks so much for your crit pixies, always appreciated
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!