#1
Ahhh.. just a little something, small poem, I thought whynot post it. Almost on the spot. Yes, it's short, yes it's sweet and simple. I like it.

Any comments welcome


I get it now.

You don't actually need me.
You just need someone to
Turn to
When you're
Down,
When you frown.

So I took it upon
Myself
To be your friend.
But now I realise
That it wasn't worth it

In the end.
#2
'tis a nice little poem - interesting theme -. Crit for crit? (my "love is only skin deep")
#3
I owe you a few crits, so I'll start repaying them now. Finally.

I get it now.

You don't actually need me.
You just need someone to
Turn to
When you're
Down,
When you frown.


Okay, this part isn't terrible, but it's surely not too great. I don't like how it's broken up like that, ruins the flow for me. Another thing I don't really care for is how you ended two of the lines with "to", reminds me of how Limp Bizkit rhymes 'here' with 'here' in "Rollin' " or whatever the hell that song is called. 'when you're down/when you frown' isn't the greatest rhyming either. I'm not really a fan of direct rhymes, they can seem too forced or overwhelming at times. It's good to try rhyming using assonance or etc, you know, anything but direct.

So I took it upon
Myself
To be your friend.
But now I realise
That it wasn't worth it

In the end.


I feel the same way with this part. Simple, short, unoriginal, etc. Try experimenting with different ideas a little more, we've all read this time and time again.

I dunno, overall, I didn't hate the piece, but I didn't really care for it too much. Just didn't click with me at all. I apologize if I seemed harsh in any way, hope I helped at least a tiny bit though. Keep it up.
#4
Thanks Final, thats the sort of reaction I was hoping for, because I really just needed someone to tell me what I already knew, and I agree with everything you said.
#5
^ you need someone to tell you what you already know???

lol, well, it's a little too short to be potent and I didn't really like how it was all broken up. And that last line reminds me of linkin park =/
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#6
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
^ you need someone to tell you what you already know???

lol, well, it's a little too short to be potent and I didn't really like how it was all broken up. And that last line reminds me of linkin park =/


I mean I just needd some reassurance, and just to make sure that I wasn't being ultra-negative about my writing.

Thanks for the comment.
#7
I'd just like to say I agree with you all as well. Although I think it probably meant a lot to you at writng, it's too bland and simple to have any real effect on a reader. I'd especially recommend removing 'when you frown'.

I'm not saying it's terrible, I'm just backing up what Final said, as you seemed keen to be sure. Cheers for now.