#1
He Sing a Major Song in a Minor Key

As the cleanly cut poetic lines bounce of the shattered pottery that lay at the bottom of the stairs
Those stairs where we sat, wondering how to act or what to say or what to do, trying to coerce the other into making the next move
Such is innocence, such is youth
When you don?t know what to do, and what feels right feels true

As the curtain falls and crushes those who are ignorant enough to stay underneath
Breathing a sigh yet dreading the relief that comes with knowing that everything you hated is gone, but something new and more menacing is about to come along and sing its song so loud that it will brutalize your eardrums to the point where they?ll be off beat, like the sound of a cripple tapping his feet to a song so loud

I never was one for writing without repetition, seeing as 'I love you' can only be said in so many ways and there are only so many clichés or phrases that can be put together, comparing your beauty to incoming squalls of perfect weather that makes me think about existence and my hearts foolish persistence and knowing that everything ends up dead, so ill mind my mind and use my head, and not fall in love, ever again

As all the escape plans failed, he sits with his heart in his palm, pondering his purpose, screaming viciously and continuing to curse this useless proposition that anything was ever there in the first place, disregarding those pages I wrote about your face and how it was perfect, immaculate, and any other adjective I?m too lazy to look up
I thought it was true love, I guess I must?ve been messed up for the past year and 2 months to think that I had a chance with someone so obviously unattainable that even a dead man wouldn?t risk it
tisk tisk tisk
I won?t lie, I didn?t miss, the odds were infinity to nothing, yet I still took the gamble
I continue to ramble, you continue to listen
Maybe even heartbreak is captivating in the sense that you hang on to every word like its actually happening to you
maybe that?s because it is, maybe that?s youth?


So the sun crashes into the earth
I?m still alive, feeling contrived and ready to continue my passion for the fashion of your hand in mine
my mind reclined with the fact of the fiction that you love me and care
swaying back and forth, sunlight blinding me when reflecting off your hair
There?s something strong in the air
But whoever said true love is always there?
I know for a fact its nothing but unfair
we need something, anything, everything, nothing, someone, anyone, everyone, no one
and I need to stop referring to us as 'we'
Because its like that old country song, 'baby cant you see'
Its just the two of us now, and someone left the room
Leaving the other to sing a sad, sad, song, so bitterly out of tune


thanks for reading
#2
As the cleanly cut poetic lines bounce of the shattered pottery that lay at the bottom of the stairs
Those stairs where we sat, wondering how to act or what to say or what to do, trying to coerce the other into making the next move
Such is innocence, such is youth
When you don?t know what to do, and what feels right feels true

'Cleanly cut poetic lines' is a great phrase, sounds like something I've used, and coupling it with the 'shattered pottery' sets the tone well and immediately informs the reader as to what this song is about. However, the line itself is not delivered in the best possible way, as you have started the sentence with 'As', which naturally leads the reader to assume that something else is going to happen whilst this action is happening, yet this does not happen. Instead, you immediately follow this with a past tense, ('where we sat') which contradicts the use of 'As', 'Bounce', 'lay' etc: that is, present tense. This difficulty with links and tenses labours the readers' experience, therefore taking away from what should be a very emotional verse. I might also suggest cutting each of these lines to the bone and shortening them, as I find that strong emotion is best shown in short, clipped lines. I do, however, see what you are going for with the drawn out lines, it gives a nice musing, wondering, 'what ARE we going to do?' feeling. Might I also suggest that you echo the 'Cleanly cut poetic lines in your writing of this verse, as this will definetely add effect.

As the curtain falls and crushes those who are ignorant enough to stay underneath
Breathing a sigh yet dreading the relief that comes with knowing that everything you hated is gone, but something new and more menacing is about to come along and sing its song so loud that it will brutalize your eardrums to the point where they?ll be off beat, like the sound of a cripple tapping his feet to a song so loud

This reads to me like it should be split into verses, yet it is written as prose. I say this because of the rhyming structure you seem to have. You have again used 'As' yet not noted any other action, ie, 'As the curtain falls.../(Then insert something such as 'I breathed a sigh'). Do you see what I mean?
I liked the curtain imagery, imagery doesn't seem to be a problem per se but it does sometimes seem forced, and the last mention of the cripple seems to bear no relevance and leads the verse into nowhere. I can again see the effect you're going for, but you have to stick to one thing, it seems that you are trying too many things at once. The long, flowing poem-cum-prose has its effects but it must be controlled and timed. I like the ideas prevalent in this verse, however.


I never was one for writing without repetition, seeing as 'I love you' can only be said in so many ways and there are only so many clichés or phrases that can be put together, comparing your beauty to incoming squalls of perfect weather that makes me think about existence and my hearts foolish persistence and knowing that everything ends up dead, so ill mind my mind and use my head, and not fall in love, ever again

Great start to this verse, a great point made, it really highlights the writers frustration and encourages the reader's empathy. Again, cut it to the bone.

As all the escape plans failed, he sits with his heart in his palm, pondering his purpose, screaming viciously and continuing to curse this useless proposition that anything was ever there in the first place, disregarding those pages I wrote about your face and how it was perfect, immaculate, and any other adjective I?m too lazy to look up
I thought it was true love, I guess I must?ve been messed up for the past year and 2 months to think that I had a chance with someone so obviously unattainable that even a dead man wouldn?t risk it
tisk tisk tisk

I do like the way you've gone about this, the language is used very effectively to signify ennui and apathy mixed with anger; it's great when you can change gears emotionally in poetry, it keeps readers interested.

I won?t lie, I didn?t miss, the odds were infinity to nothing, yet I still took the gamble
I continue to ramble, you continue to listen
Maybe even heartbreak is captivating in the sense that you hang on to every word like its actually happening to you
maybe that?s because it is, maybe that?s youth?

Again, just edit. Content is working.


So the sun crashes into the earth
I?m still alive, feeling contrived and ready to continue my passion for the fashion of your hand in mine
my mind reclined with the fact of the fiction that you love me and care
swaying back and forth, sunlight blinding me when reflecting off your hair
There?s something strong in the air
But whoever said true love is always there?
I know for a fact its nothing but unfair
we need something, anything, everything, nothing, someone, anyone, everyone, no one
and I need to stop referring to us as 'we'
Because its like that old country song, 'baby cant you see'
Its just the two of us now, and someone left the room
Leaving the other to sing a sad, sad, song, so bitterly out of tune

A very sad ending. Maybe 'the sun crashes into the earth' is a tad melodramatic. I think the piece works better when you use more 'real life' imagery. It's an emo piece in that it is emotional and more like a journal; I've seen many write like this and few pull it off. The pros of writing like this are that you get a great deal of emotion out whilst you are writing and a plethora of emotions can be well conveyed. Paradoxically, the outpouring of so many emotions can make a piece stutter and leave the reader bemused as to what the hell you're actually saying.

To wrap up, a good piece, from an emotional standpoint. I feel that you could, however, edit more selectively to ensure that your emotions come across as best they possibly can.

Jesus, that was a long crit.

Hope some of that helps,

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Hey Bemji, I am so deep in work this week that I have not visited UG at all, but I have heard you had a piece up and couldn't resist... In any case, it is late so I won't make this long and I am not going to grace this with a full critique like the guy above, although you do deserve it... So apologies.

I've missed internal rhyming so much. This style seemed to have disappeared right around the time you left, coincidence?
I like your running sentences and the feel you put behind them, but the first two parts felt a bit forced - actually, more content-wise than anything else, but perhaps it only seemed that way because the three parts that followed were so beautifully constructed and the ideas and meaning behind those were just so gracefully placed to be read between the lines.
Calling on that, the rhyming got too much for me towards the end, so it felt as if as the meaning grew stronger, the writing grew weaker. But then, 'weak' is a strong word. You just seemed to let the feelings roam with no guiding hand.
To be fair though, these are such small things and I enjoyed the reading so much that it was hard for me to sit and give you a critique. I found this piece so easy to connect to.


Missed reading you.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#6
Ha this was actually pretty good and interesting... id say add some punctuation you have some, but if oyur going to do some do it all. For some reason this reads to me like something that would be read at a SLAM poetry contest. nice job

-Mike