#1



I


So he strolled under damaged and undamaged; lit and unlit orange argon streetlights. He walked with a languid pace of both footfall and heartbeat; letting the coins in his back pocket jangle freely against the steady rhythm of his steps. And though where he walked he passed the blocks of high-rise flats in which resided the inner city's (and society's) most emphatically disinterested, he felt none of his usual unease. For when in one's own feeling one hits the bottom of life's proverbial 'rock', the glimmer of fear (and no word is more apt than 'glimmer' to describe hope's contingent antithesis) activated by the engrained sedimentation of social prejudice in one's petrous psyche is no longer present, or at least evident.

Still more ochre streetlights intermittently passed him by. Where earlier he had walked through wide streets to which tributes were made by dank alleys and archways that cradled the homeless in their squallor and their slumber, now he walked where no-one dared stop to park their car, let alone stay the duration of an autumn night. And if, in the cloudless night sky, some bird of prey were to have right then sailed above and past him in an ominous manner, he would have been no less unperturbed, or more precisely; no further anxiety could have pressed upon him more than that which was already doing so.


However, when a man believes the world has done its very worst against him, only further disappointment can await that man to visit upon him exactly what Providence is so often inclined to visit upon men:





_____________________________

So this is some prose I'm trying out. I may just extend this to something quite long. If I do go ahead to write the next part of this, bear with me. It won't be as heavy or wordy as this; the narrative will really kick in. Should be engaging, to say the least.
Enjoy





Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 10, 2006,
#2
Quote by scousertommy



I


So he strolled under damaged and undamaged; lit and unlit orange argon streetlights. He walked with a languid pace of both footfall and heartbeat; letting the coins in his back pocket jangle freely against the steady rhythm of his steps. And though where he walked he passed the blocks of high-rise flats in which resided the inner city's (and society's) most emphatically disinterested, he felt none of his usual unease. For when in one's own feeling one hits the bottom of life's proverbial 'rock', the glimmer of fear (and no word is more apt than 'glimmer' to describe hope's contingent antithesis) activated by the engrained sedimentation of social prejudice in one's petrous psyche is no longer present, or at least evident.

i really dont like the damaged and undamaged thing with the lights. i think it might of jsut been better with "undered damaged and unlit orange argon streetlights. This is a good opener besides that. Towards the end you forecast what the prose is about (though i do hope you expand more) but still leave more to be interpreted, thats great for the story. so nice job there....and so we move on

Still more ochre streetlights intermittently passed him by. Where earlier he had walked through wide streets to which tributes were made by dank alleys and archways that cradled the homeless in their squallor and their slumber, now he walked where no-one dared stop to park their car, let alone stay the duration of an autumn night. And if, in the cloudless night sky, some bird of prey were to have right then sailed above and past him in an ominous manner, he would have been no less unpreturbed, or more precisely; no further anxiety could have pressed upon him than was already doing so.

i think the first line is out of place. id start with the "where earlier" (though it seems ackward as an opening stana phrase, revise the start of that line if you go with this) and maybe put the broken streetlights after you say your in an even WORSE area. as kind of a more chronological order of things. This guy is quite at his low, and you express that very well, and while this is just more expansion of setting im guessing it will help the piece when you expand a LOT later. I have an excellent image in my mind right now but i hope you have enough "body" of the piece because as your opening is quite large, the body should be larger. Im hoping this is only an opening because basically its a man at its low, walking through poor part of town and is not afraid because hes hit the low of low, it just seems all to lead to something and im rather excited to find what that may be.


However, when a man believes the world has done its very worst against him, only further disappointment can await that man to visit upon him exactly what Providence is so often inclined to visit upon men:

This, is interesting your obviouly just stating what the piece, so far, is about. I think if you expand you should take this out, and instead of bluntly stating it like you did, have the reader come up with the full meaning themselves





This was an interesting read, though unfinished. This is the type of writing i like from you. I wasnt much of a fan of a lot of your work a couple months back but it seems with your latest 2 or 3, ive joined your fanbase once again. so nice job

-Mike