#1
You are slow and
Obviously tired
You ask how I can tell
I can't, but you'd never know
By the way I answer you
Honestly but not
I am quick to point out that
I know you better then I know myself
A rock has made a spider web in your window
And you ask if I had to throw it that hard
I answer
Honestly but not
"I threw it as hard as you'd let me"
#2
wow very very cool. a very well executed peice of writing. i love it all!

im in love with this part..
A rock has made a spider web in your window
And you ask if I had to throw it that hard
I answer
Honestly but not
"I threw it as hard as you'd let me"
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.
#4
Okay, to start with, all but one of the lines, and the "honestly but" lines contain either an I/you. I think it doesn't help the flow, and get's too repetitive. I also thought that the flow was rather slow paced and out of place, and unless that is only to go with the theme of the first two lines, it detracts from the piece.

I don't know. There's just something about this one of yours that I don't like. And I do usually enjoy these short, sharp pieces from you, but I felt that this one wasn't as good, it didn't have the wit or the intrigue of the others
#5
I think the I/you thing might have some truth to it but I don't think it's too terribly distracting either. you should watch for it in your new pieces though, it'd be a bad pattern to fall into.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in