#1
obviously a love song... crit for crit
the part in bold and brackets is just because im not sure wether to leave it in or remove it the second time round.

Love is for Losers
-----------------------
A fluttered smile,
sweeps into my heart,
and leaves a cloud of ashes,
drifting through my soul.

i like your style,
your glancing stares sends,
shivers down my spine, and yet,
you're still not mine.
its such a shame.

now im standing here,
in the middle of the road,
wishing that i could tell you,
how im so alone,
but instead i'll just utter these words..
"love is for losers"

i'm in denial,
saying "i dont love you"
cause theres a very good chance,
that you might not feel the same.

is it worthwhile?
for pain so bad id rip into my chest,
or even consider death,
to escape this hollow dream.

(now im standing here,)
(in the middle of the road,)
(wishing that i could tell you,)
(how im so alone.)


so im standing here,
im knockin' on your door,
and im bout to tell you what i never could before.
it could end in glory, it could end in pain,
and i damn sure dont want to be lonely again,
so i may just utter these words...babe..
"love is for losers"

---------------------------
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.
#3
could be the way you've read it because ive already wrote music and recorded it and it flows fine.. lol.
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.
#5
^done.
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.
#6
I likey. You should keep in the bold part because it sets up the last verse/outro. I could feel the pain of not knowing how she feels in the song. You did good using descrptive imagery to start the song:

A fluttered smile,
sweeps into my heart,
and leaves a cloud of ashes,
drifting through my soul.

Great job setting the feeling and emotion in one 4 line stanza. From there on the rest of the song is just supporting those lines. Maybe you should repeat them again as a type of bridge? 9/10 Keep the hits comin'!
#7
thanks! =D.

i was thinking of using it as a bridge aswell, but wasnt too sure. i may just try it with the song and see how it sounds. thanks for the feedback!
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.
#10
I like it!
Only thing that stuck out to me was the use of the word damn at the end of the last stanza. It seems to me like it woudl work better without it, but I do see its effect. And as you said, it worked out fine in recording so thats neither here nor there. Nice work.
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#11
thanks alot everyone.
Quote by Mistress_Ibanez

I used to hate chavs until my sister got a smack in the mouth from one. Now I love them.