#1
I've developed a discrepancy in dreams
finding myself in a place where the clouds
swirl into the most genuine smells
of reward, loss, and the difference in the two.

A white trail of rock i sauntered upon with
pillars of marble and statues made of
light grained and coarse colored granite.
A figure stood upon the foremost pillar,
with a leading shape of muscle and form.
He seemed wise, yet weathered, telling me.

"You have a distinct choice in your life
in which the outcome could decree success.
The first, to grow in the shape and mass of the city
to stretch upward and outward, driving
the full capabilities of our mangled, yet human, form.
The latter, to offer less then the capacity you could,
to live a life of constant apprehension instead of
wondrous anticipation. "

I slowly began to stoll away along the masses
of pillars and statues seemingly great in design,
Realizing that, in comparison, I was nothing.
Our results are the best measure of our progress.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 10, 2006,
#4
Ah, heck, I'll have a crack...

I've developed a discrepancy in dreams Beatiful opener
finding myself in a place where the clouds
swirl into the most genuine smells
of reward, loss, and the difference in the two.

I like it, except I think that last line needs a bit of a trim- I didn't like the "difference between the two".

A white trail of rock i sauntered upon with
pillars of marble and statues made of
light grained and coarse colored granite.
A figure stood upon the foremost pillar,
with a leading shape of muscle and form.
He seemed wise, yet weathered, telling me.

I like it, especially the last line, but I think there's something a miss here, maybe it's the odd sort of flow in the first few lines, or it could be what I think is a bit too much alliteration. Maybe go for an internall rhyme or some subtle rhyming instead of more alliteration.

"You have a distinct choice in your life
in which the outcome could decree success.
The first, to grow in the shape and mass of the city I like.
to stretch upward and outward, driving
the full capabilities of our mangled, yet human, form."
The latter, to offer less then the capacity you could, Do you need a " at the start of this line?
to live a life of constant apprehension instead of
wondrous anticipation. "

You had the idea for those lines, and i think it sounds okay. I don't know if thats how you spell wonderous < I think it's like that.

I slowly began to stoll away along the masses
of pillars and statues seemingly great in design,
Realizing that, in comparison, I was nothing.
Our results are the best measure of our progress.

Good end, except I'm not a fan of that last line, it seems a bit cliche, maybe, and I don't thi nkit fits greatly wit hthe tone of the last stanza.

Overall, an interesting piece, with some very nice lines in there. It's good.

Although, I'll say it, I'd like to see you push the boundaries in your next piece. I think you have the capabilities to experiment with more different styles, and add your own unique touches in a more defining manner. For example, #1synth was good at experimentation with his pieces, and I'd love to see you take some new and exciting steps with your writing, as myabe, maybe this piece was kind of predictable from you, if you get what I mean. I just think that you can go that little bit further, and from the works you've posted since I've been on here, I think there is a lot more that you can give.

Although it is all just my opinon, take as much as you want from it
#5
thanks for the tips, i felt that the way i used the dialogue was the only way possible the first two stanzas offer a kind of technical view of things, and the message of the piece seemed bland if i wanted to put it bluntly so thats the way i expressed it. On the note of experimenting with other things and the predictablility of the piece. I 100% agree with you. I was talking to paraboetheo when writing this and i told him, i dont want to write just another piece of mine. I think the majority of my pieces are at a certain level whether it good or bad idk but i wanted to change it. In this piece, it has more details then any other ive ever written i wanted to add more imagery and detail because without detail your just being sloppy. So im sure in due time i will try and change up and offer some different type of pieces.

-Mike
#6
good good good good good good good good good

yay

a song that didnt piss me off
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#7
Quote by TrigFunction
thanks for the tips, i felt that the way i used the dialogue was the only way possible the first two stanzas offer a kind of technical view of things, and the message of the piece seemed bland if i wanted to put it bluntly so thats the way i expressed it. On the note of experimenting with other things and the predictablility of the piece. I 100% agree with you. I was talking to paraboetheo when writing this and i told him, i dont want to write just another piece of mine. I think the majority of my pieces are at a certain level whether it good or bad idk but i wanted to change it. In this piece, it has more details then any other ive ever written i wanted to add more imagery and detail because without detail your just being sloppy. So im sure in due time i will try and change up and offer some different type of pieces.

-Mike


I had no problems withthe dialogue part, I agree it needed to be in there.

Oh, and paraboetheo rules, if there's anyone who any of us should be talking to about our works, it's paraboetheo.
#9
Dreams are tricky to tackle. There always needs to be the sense of reality - that a human mind actually would conjure this in sleep - and the fantasy - that this is something of the subconscious.

I think you've grazed that. You've hit, almost, too heavily upon reality. As you were describing the earth and the statues, I got this very focused, eyes-down feeling. Now, while this direction works well for producing a realistic retelling of an event, it isn't the quasi-omniscience that comes in dreams. Hence, I'd like to see this focus unravel a bit - describe the whole scene, not just what you would expect one individual to capture. Widen your imagery.

Secondly, give a greater emphasis on wisdom. What you've got here is almost something out of a Classical epic - however, the archetypal wise man just misses the gravity I would come to expect from that sort of a character.

Finally, clean up the flow of your wise man's advice. While the whole piece needs a bit of polishing so far as flow is concerned, the wise man's advice should have that warm, hazy feeling that speech has in a dream - that sort of feeling in which your own words resonate within your head, but the words of others come out with much less clarity. To this, a solid flow would both help in the technical sense and in this more figurative sense.

There's something here that seems like it's inching towards a bigger change - as if your images are jumping for the chance to simply become vibrant replications of the subconscious appealing to the slumbering conscious... I'd almost wish you'd dance a bit closer to the fire in this one, instead of playing it relatively safe.
#10
I've started to like you a lot. Don't really expect crits, I'm a lazy bitch, but i'm looking forward to seeing more.