#1
what happens in life
what happens when you look back and realize what you had
does a part of you die
does the once great dream finally slip from the grasps of hope
why was this moment created
a moment in which parts of your soul fade

dreams keep us going
dreams are all we have
but even dreams fade in time
others are dropped
just like mine

what is the word for this moment
regret is cliché
and painful is to simply wrong

It?s a breath that leaves

the breath of a drowning man

it is the last hope finally escaping the brain as the last exhale
it is the stinging reminder of what was happened and the realization of only accepting and pressing on as the lungs and mind fill it?s space of dreams and life with nothingness and water
it is the simple fading of the soul from the lifeless body and the lifting of the shattered dream
both given on high for now
both life and hope have left it?s once proud owner

there is no one word for this feeling
only worthless empty letters strung together in attempt to capture what can never be stated

this is a moment.

this feeling will return
not as the hope it once was
but as it now is

as a dreary once upon a time
#2
That was really good, I'm not gonna lie to you. Well, the idea was amazing, and places in the piece executed what you wanted to say amazingly. I think it would benefit from proper punctualization and capitalization. Some parts were sloppy, such as:

dreams keep us going
dreams are all we have
but even dreams fade in time
others are dropped
just like mine

That was sloppy and had bad flow. Also made it sound like you were trying hard to be the martyr, I think it's better without making it personalized.

Good ending, it made me think of a show with mickey mouse in it where a big shadow went over some fairy land...in a good way...haha, I'm not weird I swear...

You need to organize the lines better; each line doesn't need to be its own sentence. It would help with the flow. The way it is now sort of has a rambly feel with the longer lines...that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it would make it better to be organized better.

So overall it's really good, a few things I said to fix up. Great idea, very original, I think at least.

Please crit me back...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=390146
Thanks.
#3
Try using punctuation, it would break up this piece and give it much needed structure. Let me know if you get around to it and I'll re-read this piece.
Member of the"OFFICIAL SLIPKNOT FAN CLUB" Pm False_God or Maggotx3 to join!