#1
This is a simple recognition that, in my opinion, should be made by every individual in every walk of life. There is no one who can save you the way that you can save yourself. According to me, people these days have become lazy with their problems (developing a certain genre that simply whines about their trials instead of facing them, i think we all know what i'm talking about).


Veracity


the cruel intensity
your flaming expectation
guiltlessly i wrap the blade
in my own flesh

not first but eternal
a thought of pressing deeper
drowning purposely
a single image cannot muster
enough hope
enough shallow tranquility
to render my attempts brittle

this slice and empty satisfaction
is vibrant with laughter
torrid with familiarity
and calloused with agony

for the past two weeks
time's consumed in consolation
of a fate far more simple
than college
a dead end job

the beginning of what i am
seeping into the sleeve of my shirt
soft and bursting with relief
helpless

your face isn't the placid confinement
of truth anymore
you were never meant to
reach your unscarred arm
into the flames
burn sacraficially for me

no one was
nor is

there is a fate far more simple
than love, or hurt
it's cruel intensity
the flaming expectation
no longer of you
and greivously
i wrap the blade in my own flesh

neither first nor eternal
a thought concludes in me
pressing deeper

falter
hesitate
stop

not a single image can muster
enough sorrow
enough shallow anger
to render my attempts justified

neither you nor anybody else
can save me

the beginning of what i am
seeping into the sleeve of my shirt
soft and bursting with relief
helpless

I must save myself
Member of the"OFFICIAL SLIPKNOT FAN CLUB" Pm False_God or Maggotx3 to join!
Last edited by lambofknot at Jul 11, 2006,
#2
Just to make sure that everyone is clear on the intention of this piece I'm going to say a few things. This is more of a poem, but its meaning is advocacy against suicide. It is my opinion, as stated in one of the above stanzas, that there is not enough sorrow nor shallow anger to justify the taking of one's life. As a society it is my strong belief that people should begin making an effort to find hope in the midst of helplessness because nobody has a perfect life and no one is without problems.

I would greatly appreciate crits as the last several contributions I have made to this site have had none. Thank you.

~shall I be denied my one request that life lead me to love and death lay me to rest?~lambofknot
Member of the"OFFICIAL SLIPKNOT FAN CLUB" Pm False_God or Maggotx3 to join!
#4
well, maybe a bit depressing, but at times, I would think that this is relevant to me. Good job

Please crit mine
#5
Bump, I'll get to this tonight...I have to go out for dinner...Thanks for the crit.
#6
Maybe depressing, but true. Long, but still good.
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#7
Quote by lambofknot


Veracity


the cruel intensity
your flaming expectation
guiltlessly i wrap the blade
in my own flesh

not first but eternal
a thought of pressing deeper
drowning purposely
a single image cannot muster
enough hope
enough shallow tranquility
to render my attempts brittle That word is kind of out of place...brittle just makes it sound like you're trying to excersize your vocabulary/imagery where a simpler word could work just as well.

this slice and empty satisfaction
is vibrant with laughter
torrid with familiarity
and calloused with agony Good

for the past two weeks
time's consumed in consolation
of a fate far more simple
than college:
a dead end job Cool, I put a colon on the above line, because I think that it clarifies what you're saying. This line sort of adds humour..Good job.

the beginning of what i am
seeping into the sleeve of my shirt
soft and bursting with relief
helpless

your face isn't the placid confinement
of truth anymore
you were never meant to
reach your unscarred arm
into the flames
burn sacraficially for me

no one was
nor is make this 'or is', it makes more sense.

there is a fate far more simple
than love, or hurt
it's cruel intensity
the flaming expectation
no longer of you
and greivously
i wrap the blade in my own flesh

neither first nor eternal
a thought concludes in me
pressing deeper Good repetition here and above, with a bit changed I like that.

falter
hesitate
stop Powerful.

not a single image can muster
enough sorrow
enough shallow anger
to render my attempts justified This stanza get's your message across pretty well.

neither you nor anybody else
can save me

the beginning of what i am
seeping into the sleeve of my shirt
soft and bursting with relief
helpless

I must save myself


Good ending.

I liked it for the most part...sounds a bit like you're trying to be 'emo', but that's ok I guess, because I think you were trying to be. But the message is good.

Good job, I can't say too much about it besides what i said, sorry.
#8
thank you for the comments everyone, especially jamminbass. I am not being "emo" as you seemed to think, in fact rather the opposite. I appreciate your detailed analysis, but you seemed to overlook the moral of this piece which almost bashes "emo" in the face. You are soley responsible for your perception and outlook, the very basis of "emo" is that the genre is self-pittying, lazy, and always looking for someone else to point the finger out. This entire piece was about recognizing the strength inside of you as an individual and realizing that you are the only one who can overcome your own trials, no one else is responsible for your sadness and you shouldn't expect anyone else to entertain your happiness. I think most of you guys didn't look in depth at what I was trying to convey with this piece but I do appreciate that you all took the time to read it anyways. Thanks.

~the absence of faith is not always the presence of doubt~lambofknot
Member of the"OFFICIAL SLIPKNOT FAN CLUB" Pm False_God or Maggotx3 to join!
#9
Quote by lambofknot
thank you for the comments everyone, especially jamminbass. I am not being "emo" as you seemed to think, in fact rather the opposite. I appreciate your detailed analysis, but you seemed to overlook the moral of this piece which almost bashes "emo" in the face. You are soley responsible for your perception and outlook, the very basis of "emo" is that the genre is self-pittying, lazy, and always looking for someone else to point the finger out. This entire piece was about recognizing the strength inside of you as an individual and realizing that you are the only one who can overcome your own trials, no one else is responsible for your sadness and you shouldn't expect anyone else to entertain your happiness. I think most of you guys didn't look in depth at what I was trying to convey with this piece but I do appreciate that you all took the time to read it anyways. Thanks.

~the absence of faith is not always the presence of doubt~lambofknot


I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I realize the message, which is why I stated that I think it's a good message. I meant that you were trying to be emo but in an almost mocking way. That might not be the best word to describe it. Sort of a counter-emo using the same genre and style in places. I thought it was excellent though.