#1
it's the truth so I'll tell you
though it's hard to admit
that when we had sex
it felt more like a check-
mark on a to do list,
a long term goal completion,
than an electrical connection
or whatever it is you said
you'd never before felt happen

I tried to make love
to your persona
but I couldn't come

and wasn't I always sharing
your body with his memory
though I quit asking?

my bed had quite the feast
eating your belongings
left sock, mother's earring
we looked and looked for it
then quit trying

that scavenger hunt wasn't fun
as it came to represent something
as far as I know, from what you told me
she never noticed it went missing

and how could you say
I'll have a good laugh
when I find it some day?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
Mmm, I just don't seem to like this piece much, to be brutally honest.

It just kinda seemed a bit dull, for me. I mean, it's a nice idea an all, but I don't think it was greatly executed. I think the flow was patchy in places, it kind of stumbled early on.

But there's two ways to look at this. One is to argue about the lack of imagery and metaphor, which I think you cold have added a few in, just to increas interest. The second is to compliment you on the idea, some of the lines and the simplicity of the piece, which allows it to be relatable to most.

I'm a mix between the two. I like the simplicity of it, but I do think it could benefit from some more inspired writing
#4
I'd have to agree completely with ScarredFaith.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
and I'd have to agree completely with all of you
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in