#1
On this crazy ocean
Sailing to I don?t know
Wisps of danger break at the stem
But I know I must go on

Give me something to defend
And I?ll put my life on the line for it
Here is a wannabe martyr asking
When there?s a person to meet:

I am an unwanted martyr
I will do anything and more
Get me off this swirling ocean
I can?t bare these currents anymore

Storm clouds gather overhead
And perhaps; being pretentious
I think they?ll take pity on me
But my claim was audacious

The ocean surged
It chewed me up and spat me out
Now I drown a failing hero
Water in my lungs; I can?t scream or shout

Now I die an unwanted martyr
Forcing myself under
In my ear, I hear an apophthegm
Followed by apocryphal thunder
#2
I like ti; r u trying to have a particular flow to the song?
May the god of music be with you,
Nedir Kire
#3
There's something about this that's charming, but there's also something that makes e think this could have been better.

I think your imagery skills are better than this shows, it seems pretty lacking in any strong imagery, and I think that's what left me a bit uninterested near the end. Also, I think you could improve upon "anything" and make it a bit more interesting than that word, whenever I se that I see a wasted oppurtinity for a metaphor or something. The other problem I have with this is there is a lot of "I/me/myself" in this piece, it kind of just got a bit tiresome for me.

Although this still is an above-average piece, I just think you could do better with it
#4
as said above i think it is good but could be better. i would suggest simplifying some words lyk the ones in the last two lines. probs jus me but i doubt i could even say them!
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#5
Here is a wannabe martyr asking
When there?s a person to meet:
this didnt make any sense to me, maybe change these lines about a bit? and also at the end there are 2 words that i dont understand and are probably hard to say, lol, maybe put some easier words in as im sur emost people dont understand them, but other than that i really liked it especially this line:

Get me off this swirling ocean
I can?t bare these currents anymore
and this:
The ocean surged
It chewed me up and spat me out
Now I drown a failing hero
Water in my lungs; I can?t scream or shout
just mainly the ocean stuff, 9 /10
#6
Quote by Dæmönika

Evening old chum. Right... let's get down to buiness

On this crazy ocean
Sailing to I don?t know
Wisps of danger break at the stem
But I know I must go on
Ok, the only thing i didn't like here was "Sailing to i don't know"; it just really doesn't fit at all. Otherwise, it's a very good opening.

Give me something to defend
And I?ll put my life on the line for it
Here is a wannabe martyr asking
When there?s a person to meet:
Very simplistic, but it works according to taste i feel, and good enjambement at the end there.

I am an unwanted martyr
I will do anything and more
Get me off this swirling ocean
I can?t bare these currents anymore
A catchy stanza and pretty solid although i don't like the repeat of "more"

Storm clouds gather overhead
And perhaps; being pretentious
I think they?ll take pity on me
But my claim was audacious
This is very "you" =P and for that reason i'll leave this commentless!

The ocean surged
It chewed me up and spat me out
Now I drown a failing hero
Water in my lungs; I can?t scream or shout
Fantastic.

Now I die an unwanted martyr
Forcing myself under
In my ear, I hear an apophthegm
Followed by apocryphal thunder
Also very good.


Overall a solid piece with some good intent. There are patches that could be changed but on the whole it was very good and i enjoyed it so well done.

Mind a look at my latest in my signature for me? Many thanks.
#7
A pretty solid song overall, although I question the title, Unwanted Martyr....you say you'll do anything and more in your lines, so to me that says that you want to be a martyr..I could be reading into that wrong, but that is the way it comes across to me. Like Caz pointed out, there were some very solid stanzas and then there were some that lacked the depth that the rest of the song had. Did you fill those parts in at the same time the rest of the song was written? They seemed to trail off with too much metaphoric imagery. I give you a 7/10 Keep doing the vivid metaphor thing, you've got that down pat, just stay away from the me/i's so much. Great job.