#1
I have written a few songs and thought i would post one to see what people think.
Any feed back would be appreciated.

SLIPPING AWAY

VERSE

With the passing of time
and the healing of wounds
I will never forget you
and the love that we Knew
You left me so cold
like the sun leaves the day
I have been asking the question
Why couldn't you stay
You left me alone
knowone understands
Sometimes at night
i still hold your hand

CHORUS

I know I'll go on
I have to be strong
But with the passing of day
I am slipping away
My heart feels you near
Its like your still here
I hear what they say
But my life is slipping away

VERSE

Sometime i wake
like this is a dream
I realise its a nightmare
and I start to scream
The clouds are so dark
The days always rain
I lay in my bed
and whisper your name
But you don't appear
It's your smile I will miss
What I would give
for one last kiss

CHORUS
I know I'll go on
I have to be strong
But with the passing of day
I am slipping away
My heart feels you near
It's like your still here
I hear what they say
But my life is slipping away
#2
Simple but beautiful =) I relate myself to this (which is kind of ****ed up). Go on, write more stuff because you're doing good, really
#3
cheers if someone can relate to the lyrics then thats what its all about
#4
Is it just me, or was anyone else hearing like an 80s power ballad going on in their head when they read this? Well, I'm not going to critique line-by-line, but I'll give my general impressions:

I don't like the line "knowone [sic] understands." It seems a bit cheap, like you just stuck it in there because it rhymed with the last line of the first verse. Do you own a rhyming dictionary? You might be able to find something that's a perfect rhyme that you can make a little more interesting.

My favorite part was the second verse. It's hard to write a love song (or a song where either love or love lost) without using cliched terms. Although this piece obviously isn't reinventing the wheel, I think the second verse does that the best (I'll even forgive the attempt to rhyme "rain" with "name" ). You obviously have no problem wearing your heart on your sleeve (or having it seem that way), which is good. That leads to honesty in writing, I think.

All-in-all, it was pretty good. As far as a rewrite goes, I would just spend some time smoothing it out rhythmically (some of the syllabic jumps are a little strange) and try to work a little more original voice into your lines. Good job.
Hi, I'm Peter
#5
Thanks Dirk. It is good to have someone pass there eyes over my song and give their opinion. when i wrote the song i was trying to express how someone would feel if they lost someone close to them. This is why used the line "knowone understands" because i felt like it was relevant. Because I am new to writing I am still just learning could you tell me what syllabic jumps are. Cheers.
#6
is it supposed to be knowone or is that a typo (no one)
other thatn that it was pretty good
Member # 5 of Can't we forget about all the subgenres and just ROCK? club

#7
Pretty good stuff I must say

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