#1
Oak

Your figure that lay under the tree
F a l l e n leaves cascade across your face
Always listening, always aware
Your heartbeat as steady as myself when eyes avert

That special place held something like no other had before
The afternoon's sun cast a rich glow upon your pondering face
Gentle as the breeze of your hand against my cheek


You don't read, you don't move
You watch and listen for something i can never understand


Read as I try,
Search as I might,
The trunk of the tree adamantly stays firmly shut
Never to be opened, never to be found.


Edit: Ok, hopefully that sorted out some of the issues.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jul 13, 2006,
#2
"your heartbeat as steady as my hand when you're not around" kinda sounds like masturbating
#3
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Oak

Your figure that lay under the tree
F a l l e n leaves pass across your face
I guess you have a reason for the spaced out first word? My guess is the shape of the piece.
Always aware, always listening
Your heartbeat as steady as my hand when you're not around

That special place help something like no other had before
The afternoon's sun cast a rich glow upon your pondering face Don't like the use of pondering here.
Gentle as the breeze of your hand
Against my cheek
think this stops the flow a bit. the next stanza should do that, not the last line of this, methinks.

You don't read, you don't move
You watch and listen for something
I can't understand
Alright, but I think it cold go a little deeper and be written a little better.

Read as I try,
Search as I might,
The trunk of the tree stays firmly shut
Never to be opened, never to be found.
Nice, nice ending.


Interesting piece. It's pretty good, IMO. I think to further this tough, you could use more words that link with oak, and tress etc. to link it all up. Subtle words that fit in with the piece. It would just add another layer to it. I'm guessing the shape of it is supposed to resemble a tree, yes?

A good piece, I think. You deserve some credit, you are pretty consistent with what you post on here, altough I think it would be nice to see you tackle something a little metier, if you get my drift
#4
i like it, it would sound great as an acoustic piece, i dont know wot gene you were targeting but yeah its good, 8/ 10, although as gumby eater pointed out, that masterbation line is funny as ****, lol
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
Interesting piece. It's pretty good, IMO. I think to further this tough, you could use more words that link with oak, and tress etc. to link it all up. Subtle words that fit in with the piece. It would just add another layer to it. I'm guessing the shape of it is supposed to resemble a tree, yes?

A good piece, I think. You deserve some credit, you are pretty consistent with what you post on here, altough I think it would be nice to see you tackle something a little metier, if you get my drift

To be honest with you my friend i'm trying to tackle something less meatier! I'm trying to make my writing more accessible and trying to vary the style in which i write more. That's my explaination for this, and although it doesn't have as big a vocabulary as normal i really like this personally, love it in fact. I feel like it is a lot more simple and more accessible. In regards to the spaced out word it's supposed to resemble th scattering of leaves. But anyway, i see where you are coming from with your suggestions and in any of my usual pieces i would have fulfilled most of them according to my desire, but like i say, i think this is a real breath of fresh air for me and i love it!

Thanks loads as usual JD, i still value and have taken into account your suggestions and am thankful for the praise.

Thanks to the rest of you as well.

Edit: Oh and all i wish from the two others is for you to grow the hell up.
#6
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
To be honest with you my friend i'm trying to tackle something less meatier! I'm trying to make my writing more accessible and trying to vary the style in which i write more. That's my explaination for this, and although it doesn't have as big a vocabulary as normal i really like this personally, love it in fact. I feel like it is a lot more simple and more accessible. In regards to the spaced out word it's supposed to resemble th scattering of leaves. But anyway, i see where you are coming from with your suggestions and in any of my usual pieces i would have fulfilled most of them according to my desire, but like i say, i think this is a real breath of fresh air for me and i love it!


Mmmhhmmm, I didn't mean like an over-complicated, intricate piece, just maybe a change of style or something. Like I said about th elinking up of ateee image, it adds an extra layer. Also, alot of your work is also represented in the same, italic way- Just like to see some variation

But I love to see simplicity appreciated, and like it when writers can adapt their usual styles to relate to a wider audience- it can be appreciated by many more.

Oh, and I agree with your edit

Good Luck Caz.
#8
Hehe.. I'm just stating you use italics for all your pieces. I don't know why I brought that up actually.

Ah well. One of those days.
#9
Very nice mate, it is unlike the oak, nice and delicate.. which adds to the feel and meaning. I love the gentle breeze part, lovely imagery. It flows nicely and tbh I wouldn't change anything. The ending is nice too with you tieing in the trunk as the meat of the meaning in that you cant find a way into her heart ,AHHHH,
I really enjoy pieces which use nature as the main theme and along with the girl thrown in, who could want more.
overall well written and more accessible(sp)
I liked Caz
Cheers mate
#10
^ Thanks, i'm thrilled you like it.
Ahhh indeed

I got my inspiration for this while on my school bus; every day i go past this big oak tree in a big field which just looks idilic so i thought it couldn't go to waste. Also i cycled down ther once and it lived up to expectations with the suset and everything, really got me into deep thought about this girl too, so here's the result!

Anyway, thanks again.
#11
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
In regards to the spaced out word it's supposed to resemble th scattering of leaves.


F L E
A L N works slightly better for the scattering in that it is easier spotted by people who skim across things rather than read carefully and absorb. The rest of the line would follow the N, not the E.

After reading it through again (I've been distracted away from the computer for about ten minutes) It does read well, albeit slightly simplistically. There isn't much in the way of poetic tricks and whatnot, what you see is what you get. If it were longer, I would slowly become bored, although the length stopped the feelings of boredom take a hold.
#12
I reckon this is generally very solid. Like the others said, I don't believe there is anything wanting to be changed here.
The idea is a good one, and you seem to have exceuted it very well indeed. There's not much more I can say, good work.
#13
Many thanks everyone.

Dæmönika - I'm glad you pointed that out; simplicity. That was what i was generally going for here for a change of scene and something that's simple but has a lot of meanig packed in (which, personally, this does). You're right about the poetic tricks and subsequently i'll try and add to it in that respect. The trouble is that i get inspired and then write very quickly and i'm awful at coming back and editing a piece. I hoped that ould be the case with the length
So, thanks a bundle, really helpful
#14
My internet is down so I'm sorry this will be short, I am not using my computer...
I thought the piece was very good in portraying the emotions behind the words, but apart from the last two stanzas I found that it lacked flow considerably.
I did agree with one of the other critiques, that some of the wording is not very coherent in vocabulary and the feel it has to it.
What I do like is the picture it put in my mind, and I think the feeling of it was conveyed so well that it is possible to ignore the maybe not so perfect diction, rhythm and wording.

In any case I enjoyed reading and I hope I can give you a better critique next time...

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#15
i quite liked it, would make to be nice wiht an acoustic guitar ,

this bit i had troubles with though

You don't read, you don't move
You watch and listen for something
I can't understand

it ddint seem to flow well to me, seemed slightly out of place ???
#16
^^ Thanks.
I'm glad you pointed out the flow issue; i thought some might comment about that, and to be truthful, i agree. However, in regards to the wording, this is not my usual use of vocabulary by any means. This was an attempt at something raw and accessible and something that would paint a picture but most importantly; to hold personal meaning for myself. So i think next time i'll blend my normal obscurity with raw accessiblity/simplicity to get a different aproach. I agree, the rhythm is pretty bad.

Anyway, regardless of what you think, thank you for a great critique
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jul 13, 2006,
#17
Quote by GumbyEater
"your heartbeat as steady as my hand when you're not around" kinda sounds like masturbating


thats funny, no offense/ this is a good song and theyre right about the acoustic, i did like the song, sorry but thats funny

link in sig if ur critting back
#19
It's too hard not to take that offensivel; it's too deeply personal. So next time, please keep juvenile thoughts to yourself everyone, i get cranky.
#21
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Oak

Your figure that lay under the tree
F a l l e n leaves cascade across your face
Always listening, always aware
Your heartbeat as steady as myself when eyes avert

i like this, it's well written, the rhyming is subtle yet effective. i like the imagery you use, the words you use. the only thing i didn't like was the 'f a l l e n'. looks weird, i wouldn't to it, but i guess that's that thing called taste. nice start tho

That special place held something like no other had before
The afternoon's sun cast a rich glow upon your pondering face
Gentle as the breeze of your hand against my cheek

nice; good use of imagery here, it's cute, and it's well written. i can really see what you're saying here. it's on the border of cliché, but when i read it, i don't feel like i'm reading some overdone cliché text. good job

You don't read, you don't move
You watch and listen for something i can never understand

i didn't like these two lines. i guess they're needed to bring the message across, but maybe you should work on these. try to bring these lines alive, use imagery, put your feelings in it, maybe even use some metaphors. i know you can do it, you did it in the previous stanza's..

Read as I try,
Search as I might,
The trunk of the tree adamantly stays firmly shut
Never to be opened, never to be found.

nice ending, wraps it up nicely.





i like how you set the scene in the first two stanza's without using any big words, you keep it simple and clear. like i said, i'm not too fond of those two lines, but overall, i enjoyed reading your poem. keep it up!

can you do mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393814