#1
one of the first songs i ever wrote, please crit, i need to get better and u gotta tell me how, so crit me and gimme some tips.

The Black Winged Dove

Held dear to my heart
A gift from above
Snatched away in the dark
By a black winged dove
The mind looks for answers
Searching all around
Never halting to breathe
Cannot live till it?s found

(chorus)

One look it?s there, the next it is not
The eyes they stare, they provoke evil thought
It shall be found revealed from above
Shoot down the dark thief
The black winged dove

It?s almost in my grasp
Or is it just a dream
Random images in my head
Part of some evil scheme
The dove calls aloud, so loud
Cries a selfish mocking scream
It?s flying above the clouds
And I am stuck on this cold ground
Found? A way?
Slipping again . . .

(Chorus)

Frustrated climbing a mountain of pain
Perched sits the dove, are my actions all in vein?
The black wings are in my grasp
I want only for it to suffer
But an inner voice claims
I would be no better
Set free my demon
Set free my soul
Regain my lost
I reap what I sow

(Chorus)

One look it?s there
The next it is not
I have found my treasure
I have clear my thoughts
It has been found
With grace from above
I?ve set free my demon
My black winged dove
#2
I really like this. it uses some good language, and i like how it seems you put your emotion into an object and how you wanted to get rid of it. When i read it, it made me think that it was about how you were angry with something, and instead of invoking your wrath on this thing, you did the right thing to do, and let it go, now because of it you feel better. I like this song a lot.
-Nick
#3
well thanks for the crit Unscathed, and i like ur interpretation of what i was trying to convay through the song, it seemed to make sence, but instead of getting rid of sumthing it was about the loss of sumthing, sumthing stolen, and then ones quest to re-gain it, and once one has re-gained it the relization that they must forgive the thief that stole the object. . . . . .so basically it's Stealing, Searching, Re-gaining, Forgiving. . . . . .those are how i saw the steps in my song

thanks for the crit again
#4
Ok, this was pretty good in regards to imagery and metaphors etc. However, i had very mixed thoughts about the actual dove; it was all pretty dis-jointed however i know it's common because you et carried away after inspiration etc.

So, to be honest, i isn't too bad and you're tarting with the right ideas but i feel it is quite is-jointed. That's something to glaze back over his and clean it over a bit. Other than that its a very solid piece, good work.

Could you look at my latest for me? It's in my sig, thanks, and good luck.
#6
this one is not at all one of my best, and yah i see it is quite dis-joined. . . . . . take a look at some other stuff of mine. . . . . .i'll be puttin more up pretty soon. . . .so just look for my user name and have a look thanks all of u
#7
^ Will do, you build thoughts quite well, so with some blood sweat and tears you could be very good indeed.
#9
The imagery is good, and the story, I felt, is pretty coherent. It's hard to have good imagery and a coherent story at the same time. I like how the thief is a black winged dove, that says to me that the person (dove) is actually good on the inside, but the thievery (black wings) disguises them and marks them as different. By forgiving them of that, you are trying to bring out the good in them. At least, that's what I get. Very nice, even if it was unintentional.

I do want to point out the lines:
"It?s almost in my grasp
Or is it just a dream
Random images in my head
Part of some evil scheme"

The first two make pretty good sense, but the last two... I feel like you just threw them in there to make the verse longer. None of the rest of the song suggests that the thief is plotting against you, nor are there any other characters to do it. Your searching, the dove is mocking you, but you never mention thwarting this scheme.

That's my only real complaint. Now, feel free to tear my song a new one, if you don't mind:
My Basilica