#1
new here... felt like posting this.

just so everyone knows, this is more of a poem, or spoken piece, with screaming parts (not that screamo ****, but like... raw emotion, as one would find in most of Jim Morrison's vocals)


Death burns valiantly in her eyes
all the while muffled sighs
catch my breath as I lose sight
slow night progessions
as knights take flight
hot breath beating down tin roofs
vagrant housewives cruel intent
the ending of a life

Mother, help, as I've lost your son
grown a man, what have I become?
questionable animals arrive through hatred
loving secrets, led to slaughter

distant voices marry brightly to hollow choices

silence...
whispering tides of transcendence

DANCE!

taste flesh once, you get hooked
soon hooked by flesh consumed tombs
alliances between man and beast bound broken, betrayed
diseased, losing sight again
my deadly dream, my own demise
goodbye lonesome friend
for are we meant to meet again?

blindly crashing to shore
forever goodnight, forevermore

consistently stable, lingering eye
mindset of the beholder
vastly awake in baron worlds
rage, fire and jealousy
catch a hot glimpse of discontent


bankruptcy capitol towers
corrupting slow minds
funneling lies, into lamb's eye

as the giant sleeps
she waits...

in the shadows, in the dark...


WOMAN!
hear your thunder!
birthing the dawn of an evolution
a revolutionary evolution
EVILUTION!

STRIKE NOW!
STRIKE NOW!

crash upon the shore!
rage within the tide!
STRIKE!
Last edited by DAVE! at Jul 10, 2006,
#7
no problem, I'm just happy you took the time to read it again. much appreciated.
#9
Damn twentieth century...

Nah. There's some good and some bad.

1) The flow is almost non-existent. The only reason the words carried themselves to the end of the piece was because I could imagine the cliche "poetry reading"... And, essentially, that's how it read. There was some use of alliteration, which is fine, but it was too obviously cast in its role. To be subtle, in this case, is certainly no sin.

2) Your thoughts come out mumbled and disoriented. I suggest using a solid progression of imagery, giving the piece a sort of major image and drawing your connections and progressions from that. It'll keep the piece much more coherent and will have the effect of stabilizing the experience with your audience.

3) Imagery's random, but I've already said that. Also, slipping some imagery under the radar might be nice - again, to the subtle go the spoils.

4) Capitalized yelling, just for reference, should be traded for either italics, bolded words, or simply using your discretion when actually reading the piece.
#10
thanks for the crit, much appreciated.
I've been writing more without thought, just going with the flow of things. I guess... in some cases it pays off, in others, not so much. I believe there are certain things that should be thought out for the sake of the piece. in this case, where the imagery wanders.

thanks again.

look forward to hearing from you again...

cheers,