#1
The Italics are speaking.

In a scene not reminiscent of home
Where memories
of everyones handshakes
and smiles
soar through my head
like a previously endangered species.

Her face
lingers around
like a rain cloud
appearing like lightning
illuminating
so briefly though
you can't appreciate
or admire
and she walks in
stealing the show

Do you remember Jake?
No.

and like an addicted smoker
I told myself next time
I'll turn and speak to her

and with each second
ticking goodbye
the silence appears
to be the only option
even with
the only surronding words being
introductions to eachother
my vocal chords
stay retired

and out of her lips
she said
I can' sit like this,
I need to go outside or move around,
do you want to come?

and out of mine
not even a half a word
adventured out

as the
handshakes, hugs, kisses, and goodbyes
replace
toasts, laughs, and stories
that's endings
are never similar
to the words at the start

I exit
trying to inspire myself
it didn't matter
if I said
hello, shuck her hand, or
asked about San Diego.

only one phrase
grips my head
like a lion
and everything else it's prey
(there's no shame of falling down,but there is in not getting up)
but I'm affraid to walk

well, now
just a vivid memory
laying uncomfterably
just as I watched
the motel room's
alarm clock
hit 11:52
I think I'll
put this pen and paper down
turn off the light
and let my fantasies
finish any doubt.
Last edited by Save Your Soul at Jul 10, 2006,
#3
I hate it when people don't respond to my songs, so to save you the suffering, I'll crit yours. First of all, I like the concept you have. It's one that most people can relate to. Also the language was good. But for some reason, it didn't have glood flow for me. But that's just me. A few tweaks here and there and this will be a very good song.

Crit mine please

Judas Kiss
#4
I'm here mate.
I enjoyed the story here. Good flow and simple words but effective.

In a scene not reminiscent of home
Where memories
of everyones handshakes
and smiles
soar through my head
like a previously endangered species.


Nice start and the last line brought it to life nicely. ha ha

Her face
lingers around
like a rain cloud
appearing like lightning
illuminating
so briefly though
you can't appreciate
or admire
and she walks in
stealing the show


This is good, it sets the scene nicely and has a nice alive feel about it. I'm almost there with ya.

Do you remember Jake?
No.

Again the scene is set, and this little bit describes where you stand in this.

and like an addicted smoker
I told myself next time
I'll turn and speak to her


I think you could drop the first and, and wouldn't tell instead of told keep with the tense here, sounds better imo. Nice again though

and with each second
ticking goodbye
the silence appears
to be the only option
even with
the only surronding words being
introductions to eachother
my vocal chords
stay retired


Keeps the theme moving along nicely.

and out of her lips
she said
I can' sit like this,
I need to go outside or move around,
do you want to come?
and out of mine
not even a half a word
adventured out


Can only say that I still like this piece, like I said b4 it is simple but effective story telling.

as the
handshakes, hugs, kisses, and goodbyes
replace
toasts, laughs, and stories
that's endings
are never similar
to the words at the start

I exit
trying to inspire myself
it didn't matter
if I said
hello, shuck her hand, or
asked about San Diego.

only one phrase
grips my head
like a lion
and everything else it's prey
(there's no shame of falling down,but there is in not getting up)
but I'm affraid to walk


well, now
just a vivid memory
laying uncomfterably
just as I watched
the motel room's
alarm clock
hit 11:52
I think I'll
put this pen and paper down
turn off the light
and let my fantasies
finish any doubt.


Apart from some spelling errors I really enjoyed the last stanzas aswell, you just kept it all rolling along nicely. Overall a good bit of writing. Just felt nice and alive.

Cheers mate.
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