#1
I'm a little reluctant to post this, the last song I posted (even though it was clearly a parody, meant to have all the cliches of the genre) was ridiculed as stupid (I guess no one considered that that was the POINT). Maybe people will be kinder this time. I personally don't know how I feel about this, there are several parts that I feel "meh" about. Perhaps you guys can give me some suggestions on what to do with these "meh" parts. I do like some of the ideas in it, though. Anyway, here's "My Basilica"

They don't listen
as they once did
This church I have built
My basilica
It crumbles from within
I stand amidst the ruins

I am in it alone
What many have known
Abandoned by them
I am dethroned

I hold rubble in my hands
Glass scattered by my feet
My eyes hold what was once mine
A foundation of greed
Supported by violence
Capped in mistrust

And I, the alter of my religion
Betrayed by thieves, my disciples
For my possessions, the grail
They want revenge, the heretics
Instead I turn my sword on myself, the resurrection

My last breath shows
What many have known
Comfort in Death
I am dethroned

I had also considered calling this "Dethroned," but that seemed a bit obvious. I am more than willing to change most of this song. Thanks in advace
#2
Ok, we'll go with the quote-method on this one:

"It crumbles from within
I stand amidst the ruins"
My creative writing teacher kept very few things posted on his board concerning the Creative Writing class - except a piece of 8x11 landscape, in simple font, saying "show, don't tell." And here, that rule (which, albeit, has its limits) is broken. Give me this information within some presentation that isn't self-functional - multi-task, if you will, with your lines. This, by the way, isn't the only area that needs to be deepened in its constitution. Especially in a piece like this, pile on the layers.

"A foundation of greed
Supported by violence
Capped in mistrust"
Here is an example of your diction and syntax ruining the flow. You've got this repetition going, but, ultimately, it's actually countering the flow, because the nouns and verbs don't slide into each other (by no means would I say to abuse consonance or the other major devices, but, perhaps, even kinder flowing and sounding words might help). In addition, you might want to stay away from triples in syntactical constructions. As can be said for rhyming, little good comes from that much immediate repetition.

"Betrayed by thieves, my disciples
For my possessions, the grail
They want revenge, the heretics
Instead I turn my sword on myself, the resurrection"
Again, you're getting wrapped up in exposition, when I'd rather see poetry. You're writing a facet, whereas the whole product is demanded. Vary the structure, get a flow going, and, so far as imagery is concerned, there's a distinct lack of adjectives. With this kind of theme running in the imagery, adjectives'll add worlds of definition and a solidification of your tone.

"My last breath shows
What many have known
Comfort in Death"
My problem here is that, with the background of the religious imagery, the concept of death is... questionably applied (I would say). You're throwing very Christian things at me, especially this mentioning of resurrection, which makes death seem, in reality, as nothing. My suggestion is to continue the theme of religious images, yet get an underlying series of grittier, more temporal images of fear. That way, when faced with death, you'll display a realistic, easily related version of death and you'll make a bigger impact with "comfort".

Generally speaking, I would have like to seen the basilica more fleshed out. Not even, per se, with the conventional "here's an image, and a metaphor", but something to impose upon me the fullness and the massive scale of these buildings (if you've ever been to Rome... oooh, the whole campus at the Vatican is imposing, to say the least). Also, I think developing the basilica image will help to develop the psychology of your speaker, which, then, will make everything more accessible to the reader and will serve to add a greater depth, bringing the whole thing to life.
#3
That... was the single most constructive critisiscm I've ever gotten in my life, for anything. It is doubtlessly the most I've ever been helped with writing. Thank you. I'll see what I can do.

[Edit] I've done some revising, but I'm not too sure if I'm happy with this either:

They don't listen
as they once did
This church I have built
My basilica
Crazed, rabid believers
Filled majestic halls
Now barren and broken
Forgotten by all

I hold rubble in my hands
Glass scattered by my feet
Open air whips my face
Ground littered in limb and leaf
Imposing no longer, it
Has lost all identity
Now a ruin, not a shrine
No one left to feel pity

And I, the alter of my religion
Thieving disciples departed
Hunted by heretics
Will steal all that is left
Of my temple: myself
The sword, my savior
Keep me from those men

Note:The "dethroned" bits are the same.
Last edited by Kidzelda at Jul 11, 2006,
#4
Uhhhhh......... theres really not much to say on my part. The guy before me did a pretty damn good job. Kudos on the writing. I enjoyed it reading it.