#1
First off, I had meant this to be short. When writing a song, I rely heavily on the music I'm composing to convey the emotion I want to emphasize. The lyrics are just a tool in my case. I posted these lyrics because I thought they were pretty good and I wanted to know what other people might think of them. So.....Enjoy!


Laughter floating on the breeze
Waves of love resonating from within
Gentle thoughts signal no interuptions
For it will be a long time,If never,
I come home again

A Fading sun marks only that
Which is held in the purest of hearts
Withdrawn and secluded, no words shall escape
For my secrets are kept
Within the sacred hands of Mother Earth
Waiting on our tears to grow

I could give you the world
If you gave up your dreams
I could give you the world
If you gave up your dreams

(Repeats the from beginning)
#2
A few things I like:
"if never, I come home again." I like that because usually someone says "if ever...", which is the exact opposite. Unexpected in a good way.

I like the last lines, because you have the juxtaposition (SP? it's late) of you giving versus someone else giving up. Clever.

This song seemes to say that you like being out in nature with few people around, and you want someone(lover?) to join you in this, but they wish to be around people, or at least have something else they want to do. Unless I really missed something.

I don't think that repeating the lyrics verbatim is a good idea. Perhaps just repeat the first group, but change the first three lines a little bit. Essentially, it says the same thing, but in a different way. To better illustrate what I'm talking about, I'll use Kirill Gurtovenko's song "Rural Speech" as an example. The first lines of the song (slightly paraphrased) are "The words I dread hear/Never sounded so clear," while the last lines are "The words that I want to hear/Never seem to appear." As you can see, very similar, but slightly different. Perhaps try that.

That's all I have to offer. Perhaps you would critique my new song? My Basilica
#3
The repetition of lyrics depends on the style, though. Trivium does it all the time...

Alright. You've got a solid base to work with, which makes you job easier and mine harder...
From the start, I've got to comment on a common folly of playwrights and prose writers (usually concerning their dialogue): loosen up. Proper, highlighting the difference between correct and proper, grammar usually only works symbiotically in poetry when you're following through with the older styles - in lyrics, it hampers flow. I'm specifically looking at "for" at the beginning of two of the lines on this - although the proper preposition, it's awkward. My suggestion? "As". Still correct, but it usually flows better and spruces up the lyrics. Of course, ignore this if the goal is to echo the older styles of English - then, you need to work on the rest of the piece. (And, if you are writing in that older style, kudos. It happens to be a personal favorite...)

Next up: make sure that not only is there a natural feeling flow throughout the line itself, but between the lines as well. The end of the line marking the end of the thought is best used sparingly, yet it occurs multiple times in this piece (especially in the beginning, were you're going to want to pick up the pace - where flow is essential).

That repetition at the end actually works well. Congratulations - it's a rare talent to make a function repetition...

Images, images, images... The naturalistic themes are a good starting-point, but this piece, considering the thematic statements, ultimately yearns for you to blend both nature and man. Now, there's a mandate for you to be smart about this - no one wants silly the-bear-is-really-a-man metaphors. Use your discretion, but connecting the nature within man and the nature without man would bring together your human drama with the very organic, natural images.
#4
Thank you........Thank you..no one has ever gave me such constructive criticism. The points you guys made are very good and I will work on this peice in the near future.
#5
I liked it.
I enjoyed how you painted a picture of a beautiful lake with a slight mist and a soft earthy dirt around it.
I also like how you ended it. Very True.
Some People are afraid to give up their dreams to try something new that will get them evern further than if they had fulfilled their dream.