#1
Brush my reason with tastes of amber and chicory
I?ve etched streams in my spine,
But without your graze they are cracked and barren
Maybe breathing is a bad habit,
And every search for another gasp is self butchery
Maybe all I need is your chicory touch
Around my confined frame


Help:

Amber: Love, Calm, Prosperity. Transforms negative energy into positive. Calms and attracts loving, faithful emotions. Opens the crown chakra and aligns the etheric bodies with the physical. Attracts prosperity.

Chicory: Chicory is used to remove all obstacles that might crop up in your life. It is carried for this purpose. At one time it was thought to make its possessor invisible, and to open locked boxes and doors if held against the locks. But for these last two purposes, chicory has to be gathered with a gold knife in perfect silence at noon or midnight on Midsummer. If you anoint your body with chicory juice, you will obtain favors from great persons. It is also carried to promote frugality.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jul 11, 2006,
#2
for some reason it creeped me out. if that was the feeling you were going for then good job. i liked lines 2 and 3 the best. try to work on each of the ideas in this song, expand on your ideas if you are looking for a longer length. I'm not sure what it has to do with the title. anyways over all i like it.

now you get to crit mine!! hooray!!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=391815
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#3
The title is very similar to one line from 'Vanilla Sky' - is that intentional, perhaps the piece is based on the main character from the film?

I thought this was OK. You've put some nice ideas in, and it gave me a very desperate tone. If it were about the film, I think it's a clever and effective piece.

If it has nothing at all to do with 'Vanilla Sky', please accept my apologies and disregard my entire post.
#4
Oooh, Vanilla sky, that's a film I need to rewatch, I don't think I payed attention the other time I saw it...

Anyways, I too thought it was ok, albeit it a bit brief. But, yeh, a nice read with good ideas. I liked it.

Hehe I don't get it, even if it didn't have anything to do with the film. I love the title though, and the first two lines which link to a cat.
#6
Well, "Brushed" made me think of cats brushing against you, how they do. And the secod line, for some reason, made me think of tiger stripes, sort of thing. They're a type of cat, aren't they? "etched streams in my spine" made me thin kof the stripes on their back.

Hehe, maybe my attempt at reading inot this one failed a bit
#7
That's really good. You take the simple concept of 'I need you,' and take it so much deeper. It took real concentrated thought to comprehend. Very good, very good indeed.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#8
Is it intentional that the lines spell BIB MAMA? Hmm. I might be reading too much into that I guess. Or not, I dunno.

I really liked it, must confess I was dragged in by the title, but I think that the words themselves stand well. Nicely done.

Yeah, very nice. Thanks
#10
God, I love this title. Greatness. Short and Disturbingly sweet. Love it.


Check out my new work "A Miraculous Scene Of Disbelief"
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#11
Bravo, I say Bravo. Very good indeed, It's got alot of feelings to it. A very strong message you're trying to pass on. Truly magnificent
#12
I truely love when written lines make me feel something physical, in this case the second line. But to me it all revolved around line number five.
I liked the very well timed repetition of 'chicory' and you had a nice pace about this little piece.
I know sometimes to add more to something is to diminish from it's greater meaning, but I did feel as if this was a bit too much of a scrape on the surface.
But perhaps it is what you intended for it to be.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
Last edited by carmel_l at Jul 12, 2006,
#13
A couple brief notes for a brief poem:

1) "Brush my reason with tastes" - Ok. I like the syntax. What bothers me, however, is the diction. To use a combination of "brush" and "tastes", I get this culinary image (which, I know doesn't fit, because "reason" is in there). With "brush" and "reason", I get this intellectual awakening feel (which doesn't fit very well with the very real "tastes" being attached via "with"), and I get "reason" and "tastes" mixing towards some empiricist declaration (which could work, but "brush" seems like a weak verb in that situation). So, I suppose I've missed the exact concept of those words, which, actually, isn't the point, but I would recommend substituting one of the words with another that has connotations that link a little bit more cohesively.

2) The first line is a complete thought... which is problematic. The issue writing a first line that, in actuality, would be so complete as to normally include a period is that it gets your hook started, but the flow is immediately stopped for the reader's differentiation between an incomplete and complete thought. Now, there's two remedies (to which, I recommend the second). One is to set the first line completely by itself in that case, making a one-line stanza. Secondly, you pull some strings and make the thought spill into the next line.

3) "And" after the "Maybe..." line doesn't seem like the right preposition/conjunction.

4) Images are pretty solid and the tone's spot-on.

Oh, I deleted the last one that I put up, 'cause I figured that it'd be too tough to crit without a certain full-range of knowledge (and because I'd pretty much figured out the technical issues). So, here's hitting you up for a phantom crit!
Last edited by paraboetheo at Jul 12, 2006,
#14
Quote by paraboetheo
A couple brief notes for a brief poem:

1) "Brush my reason with tastes" - Ok. I like the syntax. What bothers me, however, is the diction. To use a combination of "brush" and "tastes", I get this culinary image (which, I know doesn't fit, because "reason" is in there). With "brush" and "reason", I get this intellectual awakening feel (which doesn't fit very well with the very real "tastes" being attached via "with"), and I get "reason" and "tastes" mixing towards some empiricist declaration (which could work, but "brush" seems like a weak verb in that situation). So, I suppose I've missed the exact concept of those words, which, actually, isn't the point, but I would recommend substituting one of the words with another that has connotations that link a little bit more cohesively.



You're write with the first thought. It is a culinary image.

It's like.. glaze my existence with calming and obstacle removing tastes.

i have to go get cat food.