#1
This is a new song of myne, as always crit for crit.

?One Piece?
Eye lids split with the morning sun
Without an hour to separate yourself from
I?m the kind of guy who won?t cross his legs for nothing
I?m the kind of guy who won?t stop for nothing
I stay motivated without looking for something to lean beside
Or a place to leave behind
My minds still in one place
My minds still in one piece

You wouldn?t jump to save my life
You wouldn?t jump to save my life
So I could be with you
So I can pretend to be with you
In one piece

Now someone peal me
Peal me open to investigate my insides and surroundings
And what makes the clock tick
And why is it better by yourself
We still have one more chance to glow
We still have one more chance to shimmer
One more time to let things go
One more time to start over
In one piece

I?m away from anger and all the pain
And the rotten hour I?d separated myself from
I?m the kind of guy who won?t cross his legs for nothing
I?m the kind of guy who won?t stop for nothing
I stay motivated without looking for something to lean beside
Or a place to leave behind
My minds still in one place
My minds still in one piece

You wouldn?t jump to save my life
You wouldn?t jump to save my life
So I could be with you
So I can pretend to be with you
In one piece

How is it possible to understand?
All our loose ends and quickly coupled knots
What makes your clock tick?
And why does it go by itself
We still have one more chance to glow
We still have one more chance to shimmer
One more time to let things go
One more time to start over
In one piece
The Devil may.
#4
killer song man....but itd be better if everything wasnt repeated and stuff...good job tho...
#5
you did repeat the title a lot, but it dont matter to me, i liked this song, good job. i dont have much of a crit cause i thought it was good, and if i told you what to change it would sound like a song i wrote, not you

my own latest is As the River is Bridged
#7
well, I ithnk it's pretty good, but as said above it is a bit redundant. It still seems to catch my attention and I like that. Although some of it sounded a bit cliche but I still liked it. Yet again, remember, try not to make it so redundant. Could you crit mine? It's in my signature. thanks
#9
I didn't like this one as much as some of your others.

If you are indeed trying to rhyme in the first stanza, I feel it sounds too forced.

I don't think the refrain is repeated too often, but I certanily don't think it's special enough to be a decent refrain. It's too obvious.

Also, some of the lines here were far too long. ''Peal me open...'' especially.

Quite a decent effort altogether, but perhaps lacking any real inspiration?
#10
I figured I'd crit it, since I didn't really do that before... I think it's got some good ideas there. I agree with most people that it rep's a lot, but it isn't that bad. I'm a little confused as to what kind of flow this has, but I'm sure you have something unique in mind with how it's set up, so I'm not that concerned with it. I like the ending, kinda a questioned summary of the thoughts in there. Overall, it's pretty good. Keep it up.
#12
as others have said it is a bit repeative, but most of the verses are very interesting. Maybe not say In one piece at the end of every verse and only a couple of them. Good work