#1
yah it's better then that slit my wrists. . . . lover song lets be honest it sucked . . . . . n e ways plz crit this, crit 4 crit as usual, i wrote this one night when i missed my lovely girlfriend and it was raining. . . . .so yah. . .thats the inspiration. . .so enjoi, and crit

Under The Rain.

Time is standing still
Time has stopped
Against my will
Soaked and drowning in this heavenly liquid
Falling from starry skies
This moment is flawless
Warm, and pure
Among us many doubts
But this I know for sure

(Chorus)

My lips upon your lips
Drowning in the moment
The moon sails on
With 10 thousand shining ships
Down pours this warm wet fluid
Each droplet floating still
Just as we did
Seize this moment
It is one of a kind
This rain gives us love
We are one of a kind

Careful to remember
Resurrect these sacred seconds
Let cool wind show you
And rain completely consume you
Be engulfed in this presence
This undeniable essence
That is this love

(Chorus)

This pure eternity is coming to an end
Hands or reality grasp
Bringing time back again
The droplets begin to move
Faster they fall
I want nothing more then this fragment in time
You and I under the rain
This is all

(Chorus)

(Outro)

If forever I must wait
Again for unison by fait
Then forever I will wait
Until the rain comes again
#2
"Down pours this warm wet fluid
Each droplet floating still
Just as we did
Seize this moment
It is one of a kind"

Word.
#4
Time is standing still
Time has stopped
Against my will
Soaked and drowning in this heavenly liquid
Falling from starry skies
This moment is flawless
Warm, and pure
Among us many doubts
But this I know for sure

'Heavenly liquid' is nice and you do well to realise the imagery portraying a perfect moment, yet if you are portraying this, then why is it shown as a bad thing ('Against my will')? Yet again, I think this works as an awkward, almost coming of age sorta thing, with the persona not really sure what he wants, but caught in the ecstacy of the moment.

(Chorus)

My lips upon your lips
Drowning in the moment
The moon sails on
With 10 thousand shining ships
Down pours this warm wet fluid
Each droplet floating still
Just as we did
Seize this moment
It is one of a kind
This rain gives us love
We are one of a kind

There's definetly a liquid thing going on, yet 'fluid' sounds clumsy when used in this way, as a noun rather than a verb. It's rather nice, though, I like the feel and you really shouldn't put yourself down. You're handling imagery well enough, just don't try and be clever. My tip with imagery is thus: imagine the thing you want to find an image for and use what instantly comes to mind: for example, if you think of blue eyes sapphires, oceans, etc spring to mind - use what you think of, and don't be afraid to use a thesaurus.

What is slightly incongruous is that in the first stanza you state that this is 'against your will' yet later on you ask the subject to 'seize the day'.


Careful to remember
Resurrect these sacred seconds
Let cool wind show you
And rain completely consume you
Be engulfed in this presence
This undeniable essence
That is this love

Nice couplet - I like the use of nature, many parallels can be drawn between it and love etc, make sure you use it to its fullest effect.

(Chorus)

This pure eternity is coming to an end
Hands or reality grasp
Bringing time back again
The droplets begin to move
Faster they fall
I want nothing more then this fragment in time
You and I under the rain
This is all

Perhaps move away from the liquid imagery, vary it a bit, keep the audience interested.

(Chorus)

(Outro)

If forever I must wait
Again for unison by fait
Then forever I will wait
Until the rain comes again

Not bad at all, especially for effort. This sort of thing comes with practise, and you know when a writer has suceeded because the reader feels something. Good writing is communication, and communicating whatever it is you want to say to fulfil an objective. This you do, write and write and write and let your pieces become a part of you.
Well done.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#5
well thank you Alex. . . .this kind of criticism is what i reele want. . .this has opened my eyes further to how i can make this song great. . . like with the "against my will". . . never noticed that till now. . . and i had trouble finding different words for liquid or fluid. . . . but i agree a thesarus would help alot. . . .all and all i thank you greatly for your help and i will keep all of your tips in mind when writing my next peice. . . until then thank you alex

-Mike
#7
My lips upon your lips
Drowning in the moment
The moon sails on
With 10 thousand shining ships

that is what I would call epic and I enjoyed it but I never thought the rest of that really sounded as good, you probobly werent trying for this but it does sound awsome, I think the title for this song is perfect and I can see this being on much music or soemthing like that with a nice video. cirt for crit, my sogn is "Deject"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=392509
Last edited by ShadowSong at Jul 12, 2006,
#9
this is pretty good the closure stood out to me. "If forever I must wait
Again for unison by fait
Then forever I will wait
Until the rain comes again"
#10
man, this is good..
i liked the fact that (title aside) you didn't even mention the word RAIN until towards the end of the chorus.. still, i knew you were talking about rain..
for the most part, not too cliche', so it's a good original love song

please crit my latest: As the River is Bridge (in my sig)