#1
Ok this is a song I first wrote about a year ago, gave it a lot of work at the time, and recent events mean I've revisited it slightly. It's not changed much, but there are a few differences in the meaning of a few parts, so I hope this isn't breaking any "thou shalt not repost" rules, cos it is different, honest

Anyway here it is. I have a few thoughts on it but I'll keep em to myself and see what others may think.

I Guess I'd Better Go

You were smiling when he was around
Hard to keep your feet on the ground
As I dreamed of you next to me
You close your eyes and it's him that you see

Alone in crowds, one thought on your mind
Can't accept how he left you behind
Friends around you pretending to care
You dry your eyes to find the tears are still there

Well I know just how you're feeling
Telling you just makes things awkward I know
And every bombshell you drop leaves me reeling
I guess I'd better go

What scares me most is what I'm trying to say
You try your hardest to push me away
When all you need is the touch of a friend
You close your eyes and wish the nightmare would end

Well I've felt just how you're feeling
But telling you just makes it worse for us both
Drawing dead from the cards that you're dealing
I guess I'd better go

Time got called a long while ago
No roads back where we came from
I know all my faults, face the world unafraid
Open your eyes and let me love you today

Cause I can't change what I'm feeling
And telling you just helps me lighten the load
Head in the clouds, I'm kneeling, I'm pleading
I guess I'd better go
Last edited by tezhall at Jul 12, 2006,
#2
whoa.

that gave me shivers

except some of the rhyming seems kind of forced.

crit for crit, my friend
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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#5
dude, nice, but is there a chorus u can go back to, just saying, idk its not my song, but deffinatley awesome for sure
#6
Yeah the chorus is there

The bit thast ends "I guess I'd better go" is the chorus, there's three of em

But yeah cheers for the positive
#7
Sorry in advance for double post but it's not a bump, I got a new middle 8 for this yesterday

Far from you in your hour of need
Blindly finding a path to proceed
Drifting lost til my dream found your face
Fits the gap no-one else could replace

But....

Time got called a long while ago

etc
#9
is this a future CIGAWP classic?

You were smiling when he was around
Hard to keep your feet on the ground
As I dreamed of you next to me
You close your eyes and it's him that you see

IMO the 2nd line needs more syllables to keep the flow. i guess it might sound okay depending how you sing it tho =)
similarly, IMO the last line then has 1 too many; i'd simply chnage "that you see" to just "you see". nice opening tho terry my man.

Alone in crowds, one thought on your mind
Can't accept how he left you behind
Friends around you pretending to care
You dry your eyes to find the tears are still there

personally i'd change "crowds" to "a crowd". i know that the plural here is symbolising that it's like a constant thingy going on and on, but it's not really as natural to say that so it sounds kinda odd to me. but hey whadda i know i'm just the bass player
nice stanza here, sounds goood.

Well I know just how you're feeling
Telling you just makes things awkward I know
And every bombshell you drop leaves me reeling
I guess I'd better go

i'm guessing this is the chorus lolll. it's good. sehr catschy ja (that's some good german for ya ) i really like the 3rd line here "And every bombshell you drop leaves me reeling" \m/

What scares me most is what I'm trying to say
You try your hardest to push me away
When all you need is the touch of a friend
You close your eyes and wish the nightmare would end

IMO, the last 2 lines are too cheesy. these lines are more simple and cliched than the others and it's obvious to tell. but then again, can sound good when put to music. i know i am giving the msot unhelpful crit ever but yknow... get over it

Well I've felt just how you're feeling
But telling you just makes it worse for us both
Drawing dead from the cards that you're dealing
I guess I'd better go

oooh repitition yet slightly changed. i love it. i love this 3rd line even more than the one before. ha.

Time got called a long while ago
No roads back where we came from
I know all my faults, face the world unafraid
Open your eyes and let me love you today

i don't relaly get the first line... "time got called" ? do you mean like... um, like... no wait wtf do you mean?
good lyrics here though. sounds rocking.

Cause I can't change what I'm feeling
And telling you just helps me lighten the load
Head in the clouds, I'm kneeling, I'm pleading
I guess I'd better go

this 3rd line is weird. i think there are too many syllables, which throws the rhythm and beat. i would change it to "Head in the clouds, and I'm kneeling/I guess I'd better go"

lovely way to end though.

ooh i shall also crit the middle 8.

ja.


Far from you in your hour of need
Blindly finding a path to proceed
Drifting lost til my dream found your face
Fits the gap no-one else could replace

this is awesomely cute.

terry, i honestly think this can get away with pulp. it really can
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#10
Woo

And yes, it's a future classic. It's pencilled in as our 3rd single (that's the one that'll get to no1, and have me more famous than that Charlie from Busted. Ho yes)

#11
charlie from busted RAWKS

damn right you will be famouser (more famous?) than him \m/
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#12
Really good, but I agree with rat, some of the rhymes do sound kinda forced
#13
Great great stuff. Here's my only thing:

"When all you need is the touch of a friend
You close your eyes and wish the nightmare would end"

seems a bit forced but thats just me. Great job overall
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#14
So I've revisited those two lines then Who am I to stand in the face of popular opinion

What scares me most is what I'm trying to say
You try your hardest to push me away
But all your efforts are proven in vain
Close your eyes but the burden remains


And thats what I got.

And I think it's lots better

So thanks to those who pointed it out
#16
Quote by tezhall
So I've revisited those two lines then Who am I to stand in the face of popular opinion

What scares me most is what I'm trying to say
You try your hardest to push me away
But all your efforts are proven in vain
Close your eyes but the burden remains


And thats what I got.

And I think it's lots better

So thanks to those who pointed it out


great revision, it fits and flows better and you wrote that in a short amount of time so it shows how good a writer you are good job
If you've set it to music, what kind of music is it? And if you havent what do you imagine it to sound like?

edit- I took a closer look and "proven in vain" isn't really correct...I know its nit-picking but "proven vain" or "proven to be in vain" might work better Don't kill me....
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#17
I like it It kinda sounds like what I'm going through. I just can't write about it because my stuff always sounds so... well it always sounds like all that emo **** you hear on the radio. Good job avoiding that
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

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Muphin > You

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#18
Damn man, that really really good...

i cant find a single thing wrong with it...haha

but my favorite line is "Open your eyes and let me love you today"

thats good...

crit for crit?
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

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#19
Woo cheers for all the love folks

^ I like the "Proven vain" thing - will have to see how that fits.

Yeah it is to music, it's a bit of a hard one to explain tho - acoustic, mellow, slow and lilting sort of melody, the verses are in 6/8 and the chorus is in 4/4 - which keeps it interesting huh
#20
Quote by tezhall
Woo cheers for all the love folks

^ I like the "Proven vain" thing - will have to see how that fits.

Yeah it is to music, it's a bit of a hard one to explain tho - acoustic, mellow, slow and lilting sort of melody, the verses are in 6/8 and the chorus is in 4/4 - which keeps it interesting huh


Good job with the 6/8 time, now you can be completely sure it'll sound unique. I've got a song that 6/4, no chorus though.
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

Quote by Pacifica112J
Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#21
Quote by tezhall
Woo cheers for all the love folks

^ I like the "Proven vain" thing - will have to see how that fits.

Yeah it is to music, it's a bit of a hard one to explain tho - acoustic, mellow, slow and lilting sort of melody, the verses are in 6/8 and the chorus is in 4/4 - which keeps it interesting huh

Sounds good; I'm not too sharp on time signatures (all I actually know are 4/4 and 3/4 but I can play in any time if I know the beat.) but it sounds like it has potential
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#22
Thanks for all the positive comments folks

Anyone else? I'll quite happily crit for crit anything anyone else has