#1
I don't know what could take my mind
Off my thoughts that nag me alot
I thought I'd go swimming or go for a walk
But then I remembered a girl who promised good times

I took the secondright past stop
And called out to her from my car
She came running down set her clock
Then we sped off to the most romantic spot

Later that night we had a ball
At every after hours club near and far
Because of her I'd spent it all
So we ran for the bartender's tip jar

I dropped her off at her home
And waved bye as she waved hi
To her friend who knocks her 'round
With my money gone I sped off hoping not to be found
#2
Ha, kind of a funny story in some twisted, ironic sort of way. And ain't it the truth, about spending so much money on girls and relationships that don't last? Anyway, I like the first verse, particularly the last line. In the second verse, first line, it doesn't really sound like a coherent sentence. Consider revising that line. Also, on verse two, line 3, I dont get the set her clock part. Does that mean something or were you just forcing a rhyme? The third verse is good, but it kind of reads rather awkwardly. Try switching the second and third lines. It kind of works better that way. On the last verse, third line, is the friend who knocks her 'round an abusive boyfriend? Overall, this is a good peice. I give it 7.5 out of 10 stars. I hope to see more stuff from you in the future. Crit for crit, here's my latest:
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#3
Ha, kind of a funny story in some twisted, ironic sort of way. And ain't it the truth, about spending so much money on girls and relationships that don't last? Anyway, I like the first verse, particularly the last line. In the second verse, first line, it doesn't really sound like a coherent sentence. Consider revising that line. Also, on verse two, line 3, I dont get the set her clock part. Does that mean something or were you just forcing a rhyme? The third verse is good, but it kind of reads rather awkwardly. Try switching the second and third lines. It kind of works better that way. On the last verse, third line, is the friend who knocks her 'round an abusive boyfriend? Overall, this is a good peice. I give it 7.5 out of 10 stars. I hope to see more stuff from you in the future. Crit for crit, here's my latest: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=392391
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#6
I thought it was pretty decent, I like the story it made, but I dont really know what was meant by "She came running down set her clock"

"With my money gone I sped off hoping not to be found""

This made me laugh alot, I dont know what I could offer except a good job cause I think this is just good on its own and any little thing I would have to say was said already by hendrix "he third verse is good, but it kind of reads rather awkwardly. "

crit for crit my sogn is called "Deject"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=392509
Last edited by ShadowSong at Jul 12, 2006,