#1
So, this is my latest. The title is jsut a working title, I'm open to suggestions.
Keep in mine I've never written anything like this. (For those of you who have read my other work, you know I'm generally very positive).

She's up sitting with that tired look on her face
It's not anything new so with a shrug I look away
Put up with this routine for longer then I can keep track
Empathy is an emotion I think I can live without

So cut this barbed wire loose and let me roam the fields
I wont go far,
just out of sight until I'm ready
Find me trapped, tangled in chains and I might take a minute to listen to what you
have to say

Otherwise don't be the water on this fire tonight

I'm writing to tell you this expeditions going to take longer than I'd planned
See I found a lucky charm, a horseshoe big enough to fit you
Nice and snug like that brand new neckless you bought yourself
I promise you this will be the last gift you ever recieve from me

So spill this poison down my throat and let me sleep for a while
I'm due for a nap, I promise I'll be back
Find me sunk, pale and cold on the floor, I'll lay on my side so you can whisper in
my ear and tell me everything you want me to know

Otherwise I'm a liar and a cheat
and I never really cared for your thoughts

Don't be the water on this fire tonight
It only makes it harder to breathe
And my lungs are too weak to fight you tonight
and I'm so cold, so save me
Let the flames disintegrate on their own


Crit for crit, as always.
#2
Very nice. Good imagery. I like it how it is, but seems it's missing one thing, don't what it is though.
#3
I really liked this, the imagery, and everything. I thought it was real great. I like that it doesn't rhyme. When you try to rhyme something, it takes away from your initial feeling. good job!
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#4
^I can't help but rhyme stuff and make all rhythmically neat, It's kind of annoying really.

On topic: Definately great work. Like it was said, the imagery is great. I really like the ending. It seems ironic and confused(I mean that in a good way, don't change it).
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#5
Thanks guys, I appreciate the comments. If I havn't critiqued your piece let me know.

Any other takers?