#1
This is my first real attempt at a song so I look forwar to reading what you guys have to offer and of course I will do so for you! Anyways I wrote this thinking about how I see my mom constantly suffering from depression and I seen the pills she take that she said was for other stuff but I searched and found out what it was and I notice how sad she always is in her eyes but never shows any other signs. And it always leads us to fight when I bring it up.

[Verse]
As I stare into your eyes,
Unwilling to look away,
I notice something is not there
At the sight of your dejected eyes
I see no concern or care.

[Chorus]
I stay up way to late at night,
Thinking of our fight
Your emotions being hauled down
Like a string and kite

[Bridge]
All the secrets you have kept from me
The secets I found out
Every single lie you preached to me
Always find their own way out

[Chorus]

[Verse]
I know your sad
I know its true
I want to make it right
Your try and push it all away
By putting up a fight
As you slowly realize
These feelings are here to stay.

[Chorus] x2
Last edited by ShadowSong at Jul 12, 2006,
#2
dam bud. . . . thats reele sad to hear about ur mom. . . . . your song tho is pretty good for a first attempt, you can reele see what ur trying to tell. . . . .umm but u should concentrate one painting a better picture with some for descriptive words . . . and make each stanza a little longer, i found everything too short, this song has great potential and so do u as a songwriter, so keep practicing and try some different more "out-there" words
great first song bud, and hope everything works out with ur mom and u
#3
I'd say make the verses longer
Delve more into the feelings
It's pretty much the same of what the other guy said above
I hope someone helps you out with your mom or I hope you can do it yourself
#4
thank you guys so much! ill work on it, got anything u want me to crit just link me or send a pm!
#5
the above crits are right, i liked this song, i like the fact that you take something that really hurts you, try to explain a little more

if ur criting back my latest is As the River is Bridged in my signature
#6
I liked the bridge and second verse the best. To be honest, I wasn't really feeling the chorus at all. I would probably changed the word "dejected" in the first verse, but that's the only thing wrong in that verse that I can see. Overall, good song about a very heavy subject. I give it a 7.5/10.
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

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