#1
Your Love Spells Out Disaster


Tonight when im sleeping
I'll be thinking how you faked these feelings all along
When morning comes
Waking up wont b a priority
All i wanna hear is one true I love you
At least one true I love you
So i know these breathes i breath are worth taking
And this life I've lived was worth living
But you could never understand im nothing without you
A heartless soul wondering aimlessly

I could see my future in your eyes
The future your heart paved the way for since day one
Dont you know everything was perfect to me
But you sweetie
You have a cold barrell down my throat
And baby you never looked so beautiful
So let me do you one last favor
And let me take away my last breath I'll breath just for you
either way, I'll die happy knowing my bloodspill put a smile on your face


crit 4 crit =]
#2
not bad, but i really dont like how the flow is disrupted by a few of the lines. like the last line of the first stanza just kinda kills the flow for me. it fits the poem, but doesnt fit at the same time. i think that the first stanza reads better of the two, just flows more to me. one thing i really like is your repetition, like in lines 7 and 8 (breaths i breath and life ive lived). those type of phrases really seem to add to the song and reinforce the importance of those things. but i must say my favorite phrase was 'one true i love you.' that internal rhyme just really sounds good and repeating it just adds to the effect it has.

on specific thing i would change is in the last line. personally i would change the word 'put' to the word 'painted.' it has better imagry and it has a double meaning that i think could really work well. i would just say work on the places where the flow feels disrupted, just do a bit of basic editing to see if you can find a few better words for things, and this will really be something special. its not bad now, but i think you could really make it shine.