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#1
C4C so leave a link

[verse 1]
I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dreaming of that place
do you remember?
i still wish it was yesterday
without our loss
our scarred face
can you remember?

[verse 2]
Just like on our guitar
the closer to the bridge
the less room to breathe
less room for error
i still want to run away
but not across the bridge
find a new belief
dont you feel terror?

[chorus]
We used to dream about/finding out
what we could be
we used to scream out loud/into the clouds
what we would be
now we're so close, how?/closer now
like it should be
bet we've destroyed and drowned/all of the sound
is this how it should be?

[bridge]
now we're at the bridge,
we fought for this,
we loved the river,
we drowned in it,
now we're at the bridge,
and we wont cross
why dont we care?
we're not scared,

[verse 3]
I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dont you wish to be
back in december?
i still wish it was those days
without our loss
when i was still me
do you remember?

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
#3
^ Agreed -
Just like on our guitar
the closer to the bridge
the less room to breathe
less room for error

That was a quite brilliant line, I dont know what style you were trying to capture here in this song, but it would fit something done acoustically quite well. Great song, 8.5/10
#5
great job man. do you have a background for it? im just trying to figure it out a little better.
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God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#7
Just skimmed over it, and came up with a few things:

1) The bridge repeats "we" in excess. Ultimately, it eats up space that could be further developing an image or a statement, makes the flow awkward, and doesn't tell me anything new concerning the characters themselves (in a very direct sense).

2) Outside of pronouns, the lyrics repeat phrases or words too often. This, both with the normal consequences of persistent repetition, is also the culprit for slimming down the strength of your diction and the power behind those phrases and words.

3) The chorus needs more cohesion in the imagery. You're jumping around while telling your story, which mutes the potency of each image. To connect these images into a more direct coalition - now, that'll add strength to both your imagery and your story, as the plot will evolve in a more vivid manner.

4) "We" could be strengthened a bit. I'm getting plenty of action, but not a lot about the less verb-oriented side of things. Flesh out both something tangible and psychological for the characters, so, in the context of setting and theme, there will be a greater reality, allowing for the audience to connect with those characters, thereby feeling what your tone and mood tells them to feel.

5) Strengthen the tone a bit - it's solid, but it could use a tweak towards greater clarity.
#8
thanx 4 the crits, im trting to be less direct, dont really want to tell people too much, but ill listen to that last crits.
#10
now we're at the bridge,
and we wont cross
why dont we care?
we're not scared

this was really nice! this little section hit me to goose bumps! i dont knwo what it was but it was just quite simply well written.

This song was very good i enjoyed!

"bet we've destroyed and drowned/all of the sound"

I dont know what you were aiming for here but I think it was out of place maybe try at it again, the song title suits very well btw!
#11
I read it and it reminded me of the song "heaven's joke" by Corporate avenger.
#12
God-damn!! Friggin awesome song, brother! Thank god the underground writers still have plots to their songs... reassurance that not all music will decay in 20 years..
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#13
I think this is good, but perhaps you might think about shortening it a tiny bit. Especially with another chorus and bridge, it might drag on.
#14
Quote by AmplifySilence
C4C so leave a link

[verse 1]
I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dreaming of that place
do you remember?
i still wish it was yesterday
without our loss
our scarred face
can you remember?

[verse 2]
Just like on our guitar
the closer to the bridge
the less room to breathe
less room for error
i still want to run away
but not across the bridge
find a new belief
dont you feel terror?

[chorus]
We used to dream about/finding out
what we could be
we used to scream out loud/into the clouds
what we would be
now we're so close, how?/closer now
like it should be
bet we've destroyed and drowned/all of the sound
is this how it should be?

[bridge]
now we're at the bridge,
we fought for this,
we loved the river,
we drowned in it,
now we're at the bridge,
and we wont cross
why dont we care?
we're not scared,

[verse 3]
I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dont you wish to be
back in december?
i still wish it was those days
without our loss
when i was still me
do you remember?

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]



#15
hey cool song....like the part: Just like on our guitar
the closer to the bridge
the less room to breathe
less room for error
i still want to run away
but not across the bridge
find a new belief
dont you feel terror?

tahts the best part!
great song good job
#16
listen to paebotho (or however he spells it) i agree one hundred percent with what he says. You have a potential and my guess is you are just beginning to write. Stay on UG and you will learn lots, continue to crit others' works and try and learn from their styles. Good work man.
#17
Yeh, you really don't need anyone else after that, to be honest- paraboetheo has said everything I thought, only expressed it in a far better way. I wouldn't go as far to say it is a brilliant piece of work like earlier posters, I would say you have a nice basis for a song, but only that. It needs to be expandaed, worked on and imnproved before it is brilliant
#19
Sorry, not bad, but I actually thought it was kind of simple. Keep it up though! You/This song definatly have potential!
#20
I agree with my good mate JD. You seem to have ok ideas but you need expand on them. In order to do this instead of writing everything literally use metaphors to build imagery. This will make your writing much more interesting, trust me on that. What it does is it bring vivid pictures to the reader but also it makes it more obscure so the readers or listeners can draw their own conclusions from it.

This was ok, like your last one, but as i say, work on imagery and metaphors and use them in close conjunction.
#22

I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dreaming of that place
do you remember?
i still wish it was yesterday
without our loss
our scarred face
can you remember?

really nice imagery here, you set the scene well, and convey the emotions well. nothing to crit.

[verse 2]
Just like on our guitar
the closer to the bridge
the less room to breathe
less room for error
i still want to run away
but not across the bridge
find a new belief
dont you feel terror?

awesome relation to the guitar on here, really protrays itself in a very unique way i think. i dont really like the line "but not accross the bridge" i dunno jsut sounds kinda corny to me. love the alst line though. really provoking.

[chorus]
We used to dream about/finding out
what we could be
we used to scream out loud/into the clouds
what we would be
now we're so close, how?/closer now
like it should be
bet we've destroyed and drowned/all of the sound
is this how it should be?

awesome chorus. very catchy and definitely memorable. i guess some would say its a tad cliched, but i like it. its got great rhythm and style.

[bridge]
now we're at the bridge,
we fought for this,
we loved the river,
we drowned in it,
now we're at the bridge,
and we wont cross
why dont we care?
we're not scared,

the only thing here i didnt relaly feel was right was the 2nd to last line: "why dont we care?" i feel this should be "why do we care?" cos you're like "we're here at the bridge, but we won't cross, why do we care?" im not explaining it very clearly, but like, by saying "we dont care" makes it sound like contradictory: if we dont care about crossing why arent we?


[verse 3]
I still remember sitting here
just looking across
dont you wish to be
back in december?
i still wish it was those days
without our loss
when i was still me
do you remember?

very very lovely ending. ends on a very mysterious note which i like a lot. nothing t crit. good work
sorry for the lamey crit, but i gotta finish my history essay for the morning
well done, great work man
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#23
Quote by AmplifySilence
the whole thing was a metaphor

I meant within he actual piece. That's what i meant when i said you had a good idea; your metaphorical background of all the nurses and all that. I hope i make more sense now.
#26
its really good, i like it all, read it through twice to understand the meanings, nicely written, i wish i could right well like that, i suppose u must persist, well done on that, and please crit on mine
PSN: Noverion
#28
WTF!! This is my song! you freak, u stole it from me! I bet you are "WithoutAName" from the letssingit forums right!!

Guys! Just so u know, this guy has been stealing my f****** stuff for a long time now and he's still f***** doin' it.

now we're at the bridge,
we fought for this,
we loved the river,
we drowned in it,
now we're at the bridge,
and we wont cross
why dont we care?
we're not scared,

I wrote this thing about 5 months ago and by the way it was supposed to be

"now we're at the bridge
we fought for this
we fought for this.
We drowned in the bridge
we fought for this
we fought for this
Why don't we care?
We're f*** scared"

you idiot. Don't ever believe this guy. Im pretty sure he stole flatline from someone else too I'll find out who!

oh Sh*t
#30
i may have missed it in an earilier paost but have you decided what genre or musical direction you will take with this song? its a pretty awesome song and i would like to hear it sometime.
#37
Quote by AmplifySilence
hahahaha, btw, that ^ be my drummer, (you know drummers are crazy) thats funny

Owned


Well, whoever wrote it wrote a pretty neat song, 9/10
#39
Quote by AmplifySilence
i wrote it man, and my bridge is the right one, lol, thanx for crits

I believe you, man, but it just made me think of someone accepting and award and then some random naked guy runs out on stage and yells "It wasn't him, IT WAS ME!", and then you going "Ah, no really, it really was me, I swear!", begging desperatly for the crowds faith and forgivness, and then trying to go back and act like it was normal.
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