#1
Some a little more edible.

+++

The Citizen

The man on the far corner of the bar,
Who fancied absinthe and a spot of rum,
Stared at sullen me with etherized eyes ?
Scrawling, scrawling the distanced wavelengths
Of his lost, impressionable years? cries.

He reminded me of a drunken stork,
If one could dress in a shabby grey suit
And, to match, taught naught a thing of shaving ?
Yes, the wiry beard of the modern sage,
The testament to unrepentant nights.

What shit-smeared ties I could have imagined
He?d considered to strangle himself with
This week, or for the last five lingering months?

I can?t remember exactly the words
His slow-drifting tongue dribbled in advice,
But I?m sure there was something in the stream
About me keeping my Oedipus eyes
On the prize ? the same sort of unwashed phrase
You?d expect from a dying nihilist.
I can?t remember when he stopped coming
To that bomb-shelter kind of bar, either,

But I?m pretty sure he was the one guy
Circling my verse on the bathroom stall.
Last edited by paraboetheo at Jul 12, 2006,
#2
i read this last night, but couldnt think of what i wanted to say about it other than i really like it alot. it really flows very well for the most part, and i really like it when things flow without feeling forced like this. you have some great internal rhymes and alliteration in here, really makes it stand out. the example that has jumped out at me both times ive read it is the phrase 'etherized eyes,' cause it just sounds great and i know exactly what you mean.

which brings me to my next point: imagry. you have some great imagry in this poem. the line mentioned above is one example. the description of your citizen that is the second stanza is really wonderful. lines one and two really stick out there, but the whole stanza gives a great picture of this man that is just well phrased and well done.

the third stanza is the part i like least. those short three lines really dont seem to fit as well with the piece as a whole. maybe its i dont really understand what you are trying to put across with that part, but it doesnt sound as good to me. the flow seems a bit off within the lines and it doesnt go well as a transition between verses 2 and 4 either in my opinion. i dunno, it just doesnt sit right with me.

fourth stanza is good, but i dont like the flow between lines 4 and 5, reads awkward to me. some great imagry here as well, and overall reads nicely. i do have a question though. whats with Oedipus eyes? i know the story and i know he blinded himself, so is that what you are refrencing or is it something else?

the last couplet, is what really makes the piece for me. those two lines change the whole thing, and i really like how they do it. those two lines take this downtrodden man who seems to be looked down upon, and make him the one the speaker can relate to best. im not describing it well, but it just is really great. very nice piece of writing

if you have the time, please have a look at my recent work here if you dont mind.
#3
I would say that stabbing his eyes out would be the reasoning behind making Oepidus the modifier of eyes, but the whole allusion stretches out to the rest of Sophocles's tragedy - the idea of harmartia and self-inflicted downfall are the bigger points, though.

Thanks for the critique. Good to hear that the style bodes well, and nice to see someone write such a full-bodied commentary.
#4
This I want to tackle, but not at 4:30am.

Check back here for a crit comin' soon.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Erm does etherized refer to ether? As for oedipus I'm glad there are some smart poeple writing stuff here. If you like the oedipus idea you might wanna check out some of The Doors work. Jim was very into the whole thing, especially in the song The End. jof1029 pretty much said it all, just is a song like that singable?
#6
I'd like to say thank you for finally showing
that well written lyrics, poems really, can
be found on forums such as this.
The imagery was awesome, and i like
the polarization between most of your writing
and the add-in of "****-smeared" ties.

i like your writing, but i must say, i read one
of your critiques and i mean no offense, but
you come across as quite pretentious
and superfluous when it comes to your
vocabulary.
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#7
^Sometimes betterment begins with pretention. That is, if pretention is even a real word. If not, then with pretense. Gotta cover all angles Para, I don't think you're pretentious at all TBH. Your username sure as hell is, but you aren't, heh.

Heh, you gotta love looking back on those old threads with the unfulfilled "I'll be back soon to critique this!" promises. Heh, I'm as guilty as any

I like this. Last time I tried analysing your stuff it got real messy for me, so, perhaps I'll just leave it at 'I like this'.
Ro
#8
Wow... we did the Time Warp, again...

Ok,
Ro: I'll get back to you when I get to ISU. My computer set-up/life is a complete mess at this point, but I'll be done moving for the summer in a week. I still owe you two/three... And the username isn't just pretentious - it's damn wonderfully pretentious (it's best to go with the Greek name, and then write poems in Latin... confuses the hell out of everyone...).

toobsok: Don't worry about. I'm superfluous at the least and pretentious at the best, but I try to, at least, do it with a smile. Thanks for the comments.
#9
No sweat, I seriously don't even have anything written that's actually worth your taking the time to look at, so, like I said; no sweat.
#10
well theo, i must say, you are fresh. I'd rather
have good grammar with pretense than poor
english with l0Lzzz and oMGzz
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang