#1
Crit 4 Crit

?Unwanted Autobiography.?
A child, wild and past his own control,
With temper sharp and troubled soul,
Became a young man, defiant and scorned,
Defeat the only friend he seemed to know.
A violent storm with evil intent,
Brooding dark, with revenge hell bent,
Deceived the thoughts of the young man,
Until every drop of his pain was spent.
His knuckles bruised, his restless mind,
But in the chaos, a little peace he did find.
For in this moment, he forgave himself;
The man left his failures far behind.
An unknown feeling; triumphantly proud,
The boy, now a man, stepped out of a crowd.
Fearful, he noticed his feet on the edge;
Upon the horizon loomed another black cloud.
No fury of fists could chase sadness away,
The doldrums of emptiness painted in gray;
Depths of truest love set his heart free,
Forever he wished the feeling would stay.
An aged man serene, dreaming in bed,
Thoughts of his life vividly gracing his head,
For the old man?s time is wearing thin,
?I love you my child,? the last words said.
#2
dude! this is really good and well written and a great idea.
"Depths of truest love set his heart free..." until the end of the song: is perfect, man, great gob

can you crit mine, i think you just did, so crit the older one: flatline
#3
A child, wild and past his own control,
With temper sharp and troubled soul,
Became a young man, defiant and scorned,
Defeat the only friend he seemed to know.

The use of 'defeat' doesn't work; depending on what you are trying to say it should be perhaps ' he defeated'. It's a good beginning, highlights a the mood and gets things moving quickly.

A violent storm with evil intent,
Brooding dark, with revenge hell bent,
Deceived the thoughts of the young man,
Until every drop of his pain was spent.
His knuckles bruised, his restless mind,
But in the chaos, a little peace he did find.
For in this moment, he forgave himself;
The man left his failures far behind.
An unknown feeling; triumphantly proud,
The boy, now a man, stepped out of a crowd.
Fearful, he noticed his feet on the edge;
Upon the horizon loomed another black cloud.
No fury of fists could chase sadness away,
The doldrums of emptiness painted in gray;
Depths of truest love set his heart free,
Forever he wished the feeling would stay.
An aged man serene, dreaming in bed,
Thoughts of his life vividly gracing his head,
For the old man?s time is wearing thin,
?I love you my child,? the last words said.

If you are going to rhyme, you should really stick to a scheme. There's nothing wrong with changing schemes for effect, but you seem to keep switching between AABB and ABAB. I think that perhaps your writing is slightly imprisoned, as it were, by the heavey use of rhyme, and, whilst your vocabulary is excellent, you could perhaps rearrange your sentences and phrases to better effect if you didn't have to conform to such a strict rhyme scheme. That being said, the rhyme scheme really empahsises a thudding pulse, like the beating of a drum or a heart; very much empahasising the mood. This piece is definetely well written and thought out, I just occasionally thought that I was loosing the meaning due to the incessant rhyming. There's not much worse than confusing your reader (unless this is the intended effect) so make sure everything is as concise and clear as possible.
Good work, thanks for reading mine,
Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Thank you for the crit, but I'm confused as to where you saw the rhyme as being AABB or even ABAB when the rhyme scheme is AABA the entire way through... And as of the use of the word Defeat in the fourth line - it is a personification of defeat. I attempted to create the image of defeat being something tangible and real instead of the verb - to defeat. Thank you for commenting on the vocabulary I appreciate it especially coming from you. And I will agree that the rhyme scheme was a bit forced, I was hoping that wouldn't take too much from the overall meaning. Thanks again!
#5
No problem; and yes, I am a twat. I was very tired, how could I not have spotted the rhyme scheme? Good piece, as I said.
"You can never quarantine the past."