#1
so what if i'm gone
can't be too long
before another steps in for me
and all the life is drained of me
return to the earth and decompose
five feet to the left of mr so and so
or have my body burned and spread
but don't matter cause dead is dead
just sit around here
you breathe for years
and then you don't
Quote by esther_mouse
...bingo. signaturisation. like burnination, only even more flamey.


Worth listening to
#2
this is very good, if you mean this as a song, id like to see more on this, maybe just another verse and a cool instrumental part as a chorus in between, but if its just a poem, leave it. cause its really good.

crit my song As the River is Bridged? (in the sig.)
#3
Your major issue here is that you're writing in one-dimension. You're currently giving this very face-value piece that includes a thesis, which is backed with minimal, realistic imagery, and a tone to provide your empathetic evidence - maybe something of a plot, but the speaker doesn't really evolve in that plot.

Take the circle and make it a sphere, so to speak. Start with character. Give your speaker a name, a face - not these very literal assertions of identity, per se, but something that your audience can recognized as human. Ok, now, it's time to build identity. Personality with a speaker is often shown through countless veins - choice of images and diction are the most obvious. (Syntax and poem arrangement would probably be your second-tier.) So, compare your tone with your options. Now is the point at which you begin to add imagery and twist your diction into something unmistakenly applicable for your character.

Alright, there's a fuller character. Next, fatten up that setting. Remember that setting includes where and when - two factors that will help define how your audience reacts to the character's actions. Setting is often misconstrued as something that needs to be abstract, which is probably something that derails plenty of good attempts at building the scene. Always remember that the setting can be, in a sense, abstracted - if the poet is describing the setting, then it'll naturally be outside the natural sensation of the characters involved; if either a character or the speaker him/herself is describing the setting, then it's important to remember that it is what that person is actually seeing, hearing, smelling, et cetera. The setting becomes the reception of sensation of the individual, not some abstracted set of furniture or time of day. Hence, it imbues human qualities - the flaws and brilliance of the eyes, the ears, the fingers, et cetera. To this, both characters and audience share their humanity, thus sharing the experience.

Ok, major action. You have a clear major action, which is the speaker, in the passive, being "gone". As a less experienced writer, my advice is to make the emphasis on the piece on the active: "dies" not "is dying". It will throw the verb tenses and descriptions directly into the line-of-sight - the kill-zone of the experience, so to speak. Here, even verbs, which often appear to serve only the function of moving a plot along, actually take an active modification and place in the piece. No longer the "hands off" approach, as it is.

It is best, in the majority of occasions, to be subtle when sincere. It is a rarity, but a worthy rarity, to be blunt with your words when the piece is not comedic or satirical and receive the sparkling effect you intended.

Devices - the poet's tools! Ok, with a character, setting, major action, and the smoothing features, you'll start to wonder about repetition, rhyme, sound devices, allusion, et cetera. Well, your rhyme scheme in this one needs a second look - it doesn't appear too force, but it's rather simple in its execution. AABB - that sort of thing - can work, but you've got to make some interesting rhymes if you're going to charm the audience. Consider, to help you, some consonance, some sound devices, and maybe the well-placed allusion. They'll give your piece another level, beyond the surface, that will both deepen the experience and entertain the audience.

Alright. Edit with these revisions in mind - what you have now is something of a skeleton, and there really needs to be some meat on those bones...