#1
Here we lay outstretched,
On the shore of Placid Lake,
Dry air blurs my view of you
And the scent of skins sun-baked.
As if hell was not enough,
Waiting surely for the likes of us,
We came today to Placid Lake
To prepare for after life.

Truth was never my forte;
Wrapped in buoyant words -
My kindness was bestowed on lesser men.
Yet hand in hand I lay with you,
On traitorous ground,
Under the malice sun of Placid Lake;
I beg of you to let in passion
Be condemned,
With me -

For it's the only way I feel alive
This is not a pipe
#2
Wonderful; a joy to read. You absolutely overloaded this with images and paintings which worked to full effect. I got a vibe from this. Also i like the repetition of "Placid Lake". Nice and obscure; keeps us guessing and pondering. Ticks the right boxes here. The length is also just right, because any longer in this style and i would get very bored, but as i say, just right.

Fantastic work really. Well done.

Mind a look at mine in my sig? Cheers.
#3
yeah i thought it was good too, hes right about perfect lenght and its a really good song

my latest is As the River is Bridged, its in my sig
#4
this is amazingggg
i remember when you first started, but now you are a phenominal writer
really this is one of the better UG pieces ever (if i remember)
usually it just bothers me when flowery language and poetic devices are written with on here, it normally just feels forced. Yours doesn't feel like that at all, rather it flows so beautifuly.

Zey Yaphe.
#5
I like the way this is written. I've been meaning to tell you that your writing seems to me to have come a loooong way in recent times. I guess since living in England it must've helped. The language in your pieces is nearly flawless now.

Couple of cool literary devices employed here, I see.
"And the scent of skins sun-baked" - Great sibilance and to a lesser extent consonance there. That line's quite simply fun to read.
"...blurs my view of you" - Nice assonance there, too.

It feels like a lot the imagery in this piece is on some level metaphorical. Maybe that's not the best word- they feel more like allusions to something/s. Anyway, you do well in adding depth to the lake allusion or metaphor, with words like "buoyancy", etc.

The first stanza had lots of end-rhyme and internal rhyme, but the second stanza doesn't. Which kind of disappoints.

Anyway I like the diction and vocab, etc in this. Like ^he said, this is the 'bread and butter' stuff of writing, which should, in my opinion, come before overt stylisation and all that.

"Under the malice sun..." - That doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean to use "malice" as an adjective for "sun"? In that case you would need to use "malicious" or alternatively, "malign".

I have to say I'm kinda wary of the sentiments this poem might express. Probably the only choice of words which I thought unbecoming of the whole piece was "hell" (Which I think might need to be capitalized, depending on whether you're using it in a colloquial kinda way or not). If not used in a colloquial sense, I think using that word in this poem is like violently throwing an atlas at someone who only wants directions to the nearest/local post-office. Like loading a small missile into the chamber of a mere 9mm handgun. Well, you get the idea - it's too big a word. Unwieldy, even.

"Waiting surely for the likes of us" - Well, there's pessimism in that line, if ever I heard it. Or maybe guilt. Or else it was meant kind of satirically. I guess it's another one of those sentiments I'd be wary of.

The ending line is good. I'd probably have prefered if it was incorporated into the stanza.

Well, I ain't gonna ramble on about what I think each line of the poem means - better that I say only what I'm sure of. This is a pretty well-crafted piece of writing, as I see it. Really enjoyable stuff.
Ro.
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 13, 2006,
#6
Hey Its Ro!

Right this is a little ditty of a piece, but with so many amalgamating images, that its size betrays its depth, no conotations please. The rhymes aren't that apparent which makes for a finer read, ofter a too strict scheme can kill a piece, here the internals are placed perfectly.

If I had to find fault it would be the final repeat of Placid Lake, perhaps in the last line, or in a similar usage to its previous appearances, it would be fitting, as it is; along with the content of the line I felt it was overshadowed in a way. By that i mean that the image of the lake having its own sun juxtaposes the image of placid lake, or perhaps thats what you were aiming for, what with the afterlife, being a direct opposite to life and all. That neatly brings me to my final point which is actually the title, I had an afterthought that perhaps it should be called Life After since the tense, as the conotations of "placid" far outweigh any found on this plain. Although this does change the readers perspective on your exact thoughts on the subject, in as much as it then appears that the piece is detailng what you think the afterlife is.

Anyway I've rambled, I loved the length and the content.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.