#1
God, tell me why I am dead?
Was it something I said?
Did I twist your trust to my advantage;
Softly spoken prayers end?
And even then
I faltered unwaveringly at every new vantage
Point, selling my fears for your tears;
And the holy water sings:

Your God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above?

I heard you rain;
All night long, tapping at my window.
I opened it and felt the smallest drop,
And shut it quickly again.
That one drop left a scar,
But it doesn?t hurt anymore,
There?s another pain;
A longing.
I can feel my knees weakening slowly
And I wonder what I did for you to desert me.

He reigns.

I am pushing my nose
Up against that thin layer of glass
Separating me from the moonlit rain,
And little bits of glass cut me.

With wisdom, power and love;
Your God is an awesome God!

Sand dunes are covering my legs
Even as I kneel before that windowpane.
The sun is burning my skin and still
I do not open my window for the rain.
I am enjoying the heat,
Or so I?ll tell myself;
Think of the sexy tan I?ll have
Once the skin cancer goes away.

He reigns from heaven?

?and the vultures take my clothes away,
nobody will think I am insecure now?
?Feast your eyes on my muscles!?
The vultures hear feast
And one tears at my rain-drop scar,
Only to dissolve into water.

With wisdom?

How I am thirsty!
I wash myself down with blood
And semen.
I feel so parched God;
Why won?t you open the window for me?
Why must it be so hard to leave my beloved
Ravaging vultures and the love they have for me.
Look at it try to break the exposed
Tendon. How cute.
I?m so thirsty.

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Part one. There's more, I haven't written yet, but I plan to continue. This is a poem so...no it's not a song. Just wrote it haven't edited yet..will now probably.

Crit for crit, and I still owe lambofknot a crit.
#2
Probably what bothered me the most was the inconsistent voice. The speaker turns from thinking about torment and pain to "sexy tan"... Not too well connected. I'll support the idea of poetic license, but it still needs to be in the bounds of reality. Remember that every fictional character ought to have a psychology just like a real person. It helps your audience emphasize with your character's plight, and gives you the attention of the audience to direct through more "creative" concepts.

Then, the diction and imagery. I would have liked to have seen a little more power in the imagery - some vivid description to really incite the senses. Something to set the fantasy of this piece alight. As it is, there's not too much in the way of solid descriptors. Descriptors, of all things, that build an unwavering tone. However, I think that the differentiation in tone is, primarily, an issue of voice.

And beef up that allusion. If you're going to make the end revolve around it, make it big enough to really immerse the audience in the scene.
#3
I agree with you only slightly, that i may not have been as clear as I should...

The inconsistency is supposed to show the person's inconsistency
with his beliefs and his reasons for not 'opening the window',
always lying to himself and telling himself how he will 'benefit'
from keeping the window closed. He is stuck in the desert -
sexy tan. This is one of his reasons for staying.
#4
I could not see this being put to music!

seriously though, bumped so I can get back to it later.