#1
Bright Shadows


First Verse:
You haunt me.
Obscurely you appear so clear,
I hate you, but you are oh so dear.
Bravely you are full of fear,
Your face is dry, here comes a tear.

Chorus:
Because
You are dark and you are light,
You are day and you are night,
And through this eternal fight,
You are wrong and you are right.

Second Verse:
I am lost.
Lost inside this transparent maze,
Freezing in this infernal blaze.
You won?t change, it?s just a phase,
You look right through this heavy haze.


Bridge:
And as we walk down this hall,
Bright shadows flicker on the wall.
Bright shadows cover up it all.
Bright shadows create this call.

Chorus: (2x)
Because
You are dark and you are light,
You are day and you are night,
And through this eternal fight,
You are wrong and you are right.


Outro
You are wrong and you are right?
#2
the first thing that comes to me is: dont force the rhyming so much. you may not have forced it when writing it, but it comes out sounding very forced. i used to have this problem when i started writing so i know what its like, so just try to think of rhymes that arent so simple, or dont even rhyme at all. the one thing your rhyming does is give a great sense of flow to the piece overall, but i would try to keep the flow while cutting out so much of the forced rhyme.

i really like the bridge, the repetition of the phrase bright shadows really works well and it gives a feeling of parallel structure that is really good. the rhyming here is really the same, but reads much less forced because of the repetition and parallel structuring. this part also has the best imagry in my opinion.

the chorus really reads funny because of the phrasing, as in the part, 'you are ___ and you are ___.' it just sounds awkward and sounds like it would sound awkward sung, at least to me. i dont really know how i would fix it, but maybe kinda slurring it when singing would fix it.

i really like the imagry of the verses. portrays a sense of utter confusion to me. the little half line to start them is a great way to lead in, and really sets up the verses really nicely. of the two, i think verse two is better. i really like lines 2 and 4 (transparent maze and just a phase) because those contradictions work so well and have great images. also, changing the other lines and leaving these would leave you with a good rhyme, but four in a row kinda ruins what these two have.

reads well overall, and sounds like it could make a good song. if you have some time, i wouldnt say no to you looking over mine.
#4
Hmmmm not bad. While I think the rhyming seems a little bit forced, its not terrible, and not even bad enough to really change. I imagine this going to some sort of metal... I enjoyed the rhyme scheme itself a lot. It made it seem more aggresive.

If you'd like, I'd appreciate a crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=397858
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#5
It's all been said here pretty much... The forced rhyming makes the lines obvious. The night/day, wrong/right thing has been done over and over and can still make good use of it if, as long as you lay off the rhymes. I think if you write down what you want in no rhymes at all you get out what you want to say and figure out the rhythm later, just a thought
#6
i like the conflictions in the verses
at the same time, i'd advise against the AAAA rhyme style