#1
...crit for crit, try and leave a link though

Constellations

She sees comet tails and shooting stars
I see hugs and kisses and fogged up cars
Walks on the grass, parades in my mind
She looks like she should light up the sky

If you see yourself in sympathy,
Why can?t you see yourself in me?

She?s got the Milky Way in her eyes
She asked for the moon and I gave her the sky
I said she was the very brightest satellite
She said, I wish you could be mine

Pulling the blanket over her eyes
Smells of popsicles and feelings of black Ice
My stomach turns and churns like it?s never learned
Eating poison makes you die

If you see yourself in sympathy
Why can?t you see yourself in me?

She?s got the Milky Way in her eyes
All she wanted was the moon, and I gave her the sky
I said she was the very brightest satellite
She said I wish you could be mine

Turn this clock forward a year and two months
That?s exactly how long it takes
You?ll try on all those clothes that you haven?t worn in so long
And it just won?t feel the same
You?ll drive out to that grassy hill where you haven?t been in forever
And you?ll wait there, stranded within the weather
Wondering about whatever
We?ll be sitting there together

She?s got the Milky Way in her eyes
She asked for the moon and I gave her the sky
I said she was my very brightest satellite
She said now you can be mine

thanks for reading
#2
tats tight man.

that would make a great song.
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4e574e57363g, despite your first post on a thread almost always being PWNT you kickass.
#3
very well structured song, good setup of verse, bridge, and chorus and then the breakdown at the end. sorry this isn't a very technical crit. I like it alot, maybe alittle cliche, but sometimes they make the best songs
Originally posted by SuicideKing
.... so wtf is an emo? is it like an emu only rounder?
#4
yeah, it is somewhat cliche, but its meant to be kind of a cutesyish song, really out of my style, whatever, i liked it lol.
thanks guys, have any links?
#5
^ whatever it was, it worked. Well, everything except for the fourth stanza.

"She asked for the moon and I gave her the sky" <-- I love it.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#7
i agree, this is good, ur into rap? it aint rap though is it? (nothing against rap, just i saw Diddy) As i was saying, good song, if you were trying to make it cute, its good, it is cliche but...whatever.

link to songs in sig. (latest is As the River is Bridged)
#8
Thanks a lot guys.
Amplify-Yeah, I'm into rap. Not exaclty Pdiddy, I did that avatar as a joke but I love Jay-Z. I try to use some rap influence in my writing as far as fast paced rhyming goes. It's not evident at all within this piece, as this is just meant to be a cheesy love poem, but I have another piece up here titled "He Sings A Major Song In A Minor Key" which is a bit less cliched, more intense. Thanks though man, I will get to yours now.
#10
I REALLY LIKED THIS ONE MAN! even though its not really my style..... check out my songs "Insane" and "not so different from me" they suck i think....but still its great to here crit and what i can improve one

even though its cliche, it good
UG's HIPPIE